But What I Really Am... Is a Starter!: A Brief History of Aaron Heilman

Poor Aaron Heilman.

The former Notre Dame phenom just can't catch a break, can he? First he comes to the Mets a highly-touted right hander, a first-round draft pick and the future of the Mets' rotation.

In spite of his college success, the Mets, ever wise when it comes to developing young talent, decide to alter his delivery, eliminating his sidearm style in favor of an over-the-top motion.

Heilman, always a starter throughout his collegiate and minor league career, breaks through to the big league club in spite of questionable minor league credentials. His major league debut comes on the same day as another former top Met prospect, Scott Kazmir. Kazmir shines, Heilman gets shelled.

In spite of The Game (a one-hit masterpiece against the Marlins that would fuel blogosphere starter/reliever debates for years to come), the Mets commit to using Heilman as a starter. Each offseason he asserts over and over that he's really a starting pitcher.

Before the 2006 season, the Mets give him the chance to win the job out of spring training. He dazzles in his spring audition. In his "Shooting from the Lip" column, Mike Lupica says he suspects "Mr. Heilman will win a lot of games for Mr. Randolph this year."

As it so happens, Mr. Randolph told Mr. Heilman to get his ass back to the bullpen, awarding the fifth starter job to photographing phenom Brian Bannister and his haircut.

Heilman transitions seemlessly to the bullpen, becoming a stalwart reliever and proving invaluable once Duaner Sanchez gets hurt in a taxi ride or something.

The Mets make it to the seventh game of a classic NLCS. With the score locked at 1-1 in the 9th inning, Randolph turns the ball over to Heilman. Heilman gives up an improbable homerun to Yadier Molina. October 19 becomes The Last Night of the Mets Dynasty. It's all Heilman's fault.

The offseason comes. Heilman insists he's really a starter, asks to move to the rotation, Randolph says no. Heilman has a shitty year, contributes mightily to devastating Met collapse.

The offseason comes. Heilman insists he's really a starter, asks to move to the rotation, Manuel says no. Heilman does better, Mets collapse anyway.

Three trades later, Heilman is the newest member of the Arizona Diamondbacks' bullpen. It just keeps getting better and better for him.

"Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it / And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man my son!"

Sometimes I think Rudyard Kipling wrote those words for Aaron Heilman.

- A.F.O.M.G.