Which Team Does Mr. Met Play For?

Obviously, big doings in the series with the Phillies. Billy Wagner came in for the ninth inning Wednesday night and all the problems of the world melted away. Every fastball 94 mph and above, every look toward the plate a sullen glare, every batter seemingly overmatched. That was much nicer than the events of Tuesday evening. To be sure.

Still, while there's plenty of baseball to be talked, at the end of the day, the Mets are only a game up on the Phils in the NL East race. Had they lost Thursday, they'd be game behind, and a game behind in July is basically the opposite of the end of the world. We could go toe-to-toe or blow-for-blow on the Perez-Moyer matchup (how 'bout that backdoor slider?), or we could address how great it is to see J-Roll in the doghouse, and I could do a 10-minute riff on why Endy Chavez is better suited to being an underwear model than a major league hitter. (Hint: he has nice bone structure.)

But that would leave unaddressed the major, pressing issue of the day. Which is, to wit:

Is Mr. Met gay?

Don't laugh. Well, fine. You can laugh. Maybe even a week ago, I would have punched me in the face for asking the question, and then slugged you across the jaw for giggling at it. Not because there's anything wrong with being gay, mind you -- I just wouldn't have liked your tone. Or mine.

But to paraphrase the Dude, new information has come to light, man, that's making me reconsider my whole stance on Mr. Met's sexuality.

It all started last week, when Cheddar Ben's roommate published a piece in the San Francisco Chronicle about the history of Crazy Crab, the Giants' semi-legendary anti-mascot from the 1984 season. If you don't know the story of the Crab, check out the piece A.S.A.P. The story in a nutshell is that a MLB team essentially put Don Rickles into a lobster suit and let him do an insult comic routine on his own club to stir up hatred and interest. One of the most ridiculous baseball promotions ever.

In any case, the lede to R.O.C.B.'s piece included this line:

After the 1974 Ten Cent Beer Night melee in Cleveland, and the 1979 anarchy of Disco Demolition Night in Chicago, where riot police battled fans with improvised explosives, baseball owners wanted family environments with moon-walking mascots like the San Diego Chicken, even if that meant no-talent mimes like Mr. Met or Mr. Red in New York or Cincinnati.

Kind of a tough shot at Mr. Met, but we're talking about a historical phenomenon here and the thought process that led to the creation of many of today's mascots. Not to concede that Mr. Met was conceived as a "no-talent mime," but even if he were, owners across the land were looking for something essentially that milquetoast in any case.

The point is, some Mets fans took umbrage at this characterization, and they let R.O.C.B. hear about it. This e-mail came in from a Silicon Valley law firm:

Dear XXXXX:

Great article at <http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/07/18/SP6J11QTDH.DTL&type=printable>.

But please do not be dissing or marginalizing Mr. Met.

Mr. Met was not a child of the 70's.

He burst on the scene in 1964, in the Mets' second season. See <http://newyork.mets.mlb.com/nym/fan_forum/mrmet.jsp>

Regards,

Which kind of misses the point, as you could plausibly posit Mr. Met as the progenitor of the "family friendly" trend -- just listen to the Mets song. Not very many baseball teams in the 1960s were singing "Bring the kiddies, bring the wife" as far as I can tell. There should probably be more scholarship on the topic.

Now, though, the plot thickened. This e-mailer had apparently BCCed his brother on the correspondence, resulting in yet another interesting development:

XXXX,

As to the first question, my bro-in-law forwarded me your excellent
article (and his response) here in New York.

As to the second, the rumor here is that Ms. Met is...well, how to put
this politely, Mr. Met's "beard". Don't know that I really believe that,
but I did hear that he and Mike Piazza were once very close--make of
that what you will.

Keep up the good work,

XXXXXXX XXXXX
Oakland A's of Fremont fan in exile

Which just blew my mind. I mean, I had to sit down afterwards. I'm still kind of shocked by the implications of this. Not to mention the fact that apparently everyone knew about this but me -- that there's been a rumor going around that Y2K hasn't promulgated or knocked down. We've been lax.

But there it is. I started asking myself, "Can Mr. Met have been queer this whole time? What have I missed?" You start trying to think back to what you've seen and what you've read and what you've heard over the years, and reconstruct a scenario you're comfortable with. It's like a jigsaw puzzle. Various pieces fit in various places, and sooner or later, you see an image start to develop. But there's evidence on both sides.

Not Gay -- Mr. Met is a happily married man

We're pretty sure. There's a school of thought that calls his female counterpart "Ms. Met," but I have trouble finding documentation on this. We can be sure, though, that Mr. Met has appeared in public with his family on numerous occasions, appearing to dote on them and his lady as would any loving straight dude.

And when his relationship has been challenged, he's responded as you would expect. Back in the mid-1990s, back when Dan Patrick was spreading rumors about Mrs. Met and Karl Ravech (rumors than have never been truly knocked down, mind you), Mr. Met looked as if someone had shot him in the chest.



If I were Karl Ravech, I wouldn't feel safe. The same deal when Jon Stewart suggested that Willie Randolph's firing might have had something to do with his, ahem, extracurricular interests.



Clearly, Mr. Met has a chip on his shoulder on his wife. But is that just a cover?

Gay -- You NEVER see Mrs. Met around

When was the last time you saw Mr. Met take his own goddamn advice and bring his woman out to the park to show her off? Never. Haven't seen hide nor hair of her in years. She's not listed as part of his life on his official bio page. There's internet petitions out there begging for her return, for the love of Pete.

The wags out there will claim that any guy who wants to spend as little time as possible with his wife must be in a normal, heterosexual marriage. Very clever. Quit stalling.

Not Gay -- Mr. Met will throw down with some hot chicks

Indisputably. The guy has been known to have a few beers and hit on some hot ladies. It's going to happen.

Gay -- Mr. Met loves weddings

Of course, the partying angle cuts two ways.



Not Gay -- Mr. Met has an arm on him

You ever see him throw t-shirts into the crowds alongside the Pepsi Party Patrol in between innings? It's basically like watching Rick Ankiel throw frozen ropes to third base. Mr. Met has a gun, ladies and gentlemen.

Gay -- Mr. Met is basically a mime

The aforementioned official bio has some cockamamie cover story about why Mr. Met doesn't ever talk. "Early in his career, Mr. Met lost his voice root, root, rooting for the home team." Please. Save it for someone who doesn't know how these things work.

What we can say is that, in his style and behavior, Mr. Met resembles nothing so much as a mime in a baseball uniform. And everything that needs to be said about mimes has already been said.

Not Gay -- The media would have uncovered his secret by now

This is not an insignificant point. Mr. Met has been playing in this town, the media capital of the world, since 1964. From April to September, every year since Vietnam was in full swing, Mr. Met has been within full view of the most bloodthirsty, remorseless, snooping bunch of tabloid journalists and ink-stained hucksters ever assembled. These people are animals. They smell blood from a country mile off.

Do you know how many games have been played since 1964? (You will if you can find a calculator.) How many lazy summer days of mediocrity, if not pure awfulness, have passed since then, and how many slow work days at the ballpark have drifted by throughout the years? It strains belief to think that the working press wouldn't have, in 44 years on the job, found at least a couple of moments to track down the "Mr. Met is queerer than a $3 bill" story were there any validity to it.

These are the people who camp out in front of A-Rod's apartment, who made Harvey Keitel into a household name in the '80s, who homed in on Rudy and Judy, who run blind items about closeted actors and politicians twice a day, who would accuse Lincoln of being gay if it would sell a few issues. (Bad example.)

Do we really think we wouldn't already know about Mr. Met? How long can this town keep a secret?

Gay -- There's video evidence

Leave it to NBC to do the dirty work. Thanks, Sheinhardt Wig Company!



In any case, feel free to leave your own take on Mr. Met's sexuality in the Comments. We here at Y2K will be supportive of Mr. Met no matter what decision he makes, whether it's ignoring the issue entirely or making some life changes or recommitting himself to his absent family.

Just as long as these people aren't involved.