Scenes From a Maul

[The New York Mets' locker room following Thursday's 10-inning, 5-4 defeat to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Closer Billy Wagner has blown his second save in 20 hours. Teammates come by his locker to pat him on the shoulder and wish him well.]

Marlon Anderson: Billy, man, shrug it off. You'll be fine.

Billy Wagner: [Staring at floor] Thanks, Marlon. I appreciate that.

MA: It was just a tough one. We had chances to get a few more, and to get out of that last inning, but...

BW: Yup. Just one of those games.

MA: I've got to ask you, though, Billy. It's probably just a coincidence, but I've still gotta ask. Ever since I handed out that inspirational sheet in the team meeting the other day, you've just fallen apart. You've blown saves in back-to-back games, and on both occasions, you just looked like complete crap doing it. Did you not like my sheet or something? Was there a problem?

BW: What hey now?

MA: You know, the inspirational sheet. It had a bunch of pump-up slogans on it, a ton of good will, and some math on what it will take for us to get into the playoffs. To get to 92 wins. Stuff like that. You might have seen something about it in the New York Times.

BW: Hell, no.

MA: [Looks puzzled]

BW: Aw, Marlon, I wasn't sure what that thing was. I assumed you were just trying to get me to buy Girl Scout Cookies or donate to the NRA or some shit like that, so I threw it out. Sorry about that.

MA: But Billy, everyone else was reading it right there. It said right at the top, "What the Mets Need to Do to Get to the Playoffs." You know, I put some work into this thing. Did you not even glance at it?

BW: [Spits tobacco juice on the carpet] Well, I can't read or write.

MA: Oh ...

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[The New York Mets' locker room following Thursday's 10-inning, 5-4 defeat to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Third baseman David Wright has emerged from the shower and has walked over to talk to catcher Ramon Castro, who hit a home run and a double.]

David Wright: Hey, Ramon, great game today. You were swinging the bat like crazy.

Ramon Castro: [Grunts in an accepting manner]

DW: I've just got to ask you a question about one play. Bases loaded, nobody out, top of the ninth inning, and Orlando Hudson hit a chopper back to Jose at short. He threw the ball to you and we got the first out at the plate, but because the ball was hit right at him, Chris Young hadn't got a good lead and was caught way too close to bag at second base. He would have been out by a mile if you had thrown the ball to me at third base. And I was screaming like a madman for the ball. But I guess you didn't hear. Is that right, Ramon? Did you just not hear?

RC: [Grunts in a neutral tone]

DW: I only ask because that would have been a pretty big double play, and as things turned out, it probably would have gotten us out of the inning and delivered the win. So...

RC: [Grunts menacingly]

DW: Ramon, are you going to say anything to me?

RC: [Spins around, eyes alight with fury] Puny humans always bother Castro! [Unhinges jaw, leans over and swallows Wright's head whole and bites it off. Wright's headless body runs around the locker room for a few seconds before falling into Moises Alou's locker.]

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[The New York Mets' locker room following Thursday's 10-inning, 5-4 defeat to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Rookie Chris Aguila, just up from Triple-A New Orleans, grounded into a game-ending double play. He sits at his locker, visibly upset. He is being consoled by Jose Reyes.]

Jose Reyes: Hey man, baseball is the best. This happen sometime. But you keep going, right? Beep beep.

Chris Aguila: It was a stupid swing. It was exactly what he wanted me to do, and I bailed him out. Damn it.

JR: Hey man, just keep your head up. This a great game here. They pay you money to play the game. What could be better than that? It only one game. Beep beep.

CA: It wasn't a very good first impression, I know that.

JR: That life, man.

[Mets reliever Aaron Heilman storms across the locker room, angry.]

Aaron Heilman: You blew it for us, rook! [Grabs Aguila by the shirtsleeves.] We had that game, and you blew it! What's your problem, rook! Who taught you how to play this game, anyways? [Shakes Aguila vigorously]

CA: Help!

JR: Beep beep.

AH: Plays like that are the reason we ... [Falls backward, nose bleeding profusely, having been karate-kicked in the face by Endy Chavez. Chavez is then hit over the back of the head with a folding chair wielded by Joe Smith.]

Joe Smith: WWE style, yeah!

CA: What the hell is going on here?

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[The New York Mets' locker room following Thursday's 10-inning, 5-4 defeat to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Carlos Beltran is calmly discussing the game with Carlos Delgado.]

Carlos Beltran: You see who was sitting right behind our dugout?

Carlos Delgado: No, who?

CB: It was those guys from Y2K. The bloggers. The ones who think it's funny to make fun of the Yankees.

CD: Those guys? Man, they always write about how much I suck.

CB: True.

CD: Still, I kind of like when they make fun of Roger Clemens. And that post about "Sex in the City" was spot on.

CB: Sure. I just wish they could have come to a better game, that's all.

CD: Me too, man. Me too.