Y2K World Tour

Everyone knows this site is huge in Japan, but what the rest of Asia? Yep, everything you've heard is true -- we're big-time in Red China too. There are four massive sports and entertainment stars in Beijing right now, the ones that headline billboards and dominate the evening newscasts: Yao Ming, Jackie Chan, their top Olympic sprinter, and none other than Sippy Momo. Hey, a billion godless capitalists can't be wrong.

As such, we humbly present the schedule for the China leg of the 2008 Y2K World Tour, sponsored by the tears of Tibetan children. Making live appearances at each location will be Cheddar Ben, Cheddar Sam, and Cheddar Sam's good pal Flopsy, with additional appearances to be announced closer to curtain time. We'll be signing autographs, kissing babies, distributing subversive literature ... you know, a little light comedy.

All shows begin when we're good and drunk:

March 7 -- Hard Rock Cafe, Beijing
March 9 -- Great Wall, the sunny side, near the blood spots
March 12 -- Starbucks, Shijiazhuang
March 14 -- Number One Electronics Shop and Most Excellent Food Emporium, Qingdao
March 16 -- Communist Party Headquarters, Jinan
March 17 -- Japanese Embassy, Nanking
March 20 -- Niketown, Shanghai

Surprise guests will no doubt include the local authorities.

No, seriously, two weeks in a country without baseball is going to provide quite the change of pace. I'll probably be able to pick up the scores if I really want, at least in the bigger cities, but there won't be any of the day-in, day-out rhythm you get from baseball season here. Cheddar Sam reports that their media and attention is totally focused on the upcoming Olympics, so I'll expect to be treated to plenty of construction updates and stories about fencers.

It's not that baseball is absent from the largest nation on the planet. They've got their own league, which is something. They've got Billy Ripken going over there to run youth clinics, which gives them something in common with the citizens of suburban Maryland.

But there's also no evidence they've picked up the same bad habits as, say, their Taiwanese counterparts. And while they unquestionably lack the same baseball tradition as their hated Japanese neighbors, they've agreed to partner with NPB teams to develop their own clubs, which is pretty sensible.

[Sidebar: I was in line in the airport yesterday morning behind a Japanese guy wearing a bomb-ass Chiba Lotte Marines jacket. He didn't speak any English, however, so I was unable to convey how much I approved of the jacket. "I like your jacket" got me precisely nothing, and didn't really get much of a response after I said, "The Marines, Bobby Valentine's team. I'm a fan." Finally he shook his head at me and said, "Chiba Lotte Marines, Japanese team," to which I replied, "'Hai,' Chiba Lotte," and smiled and nodded. He kept shaking his head and frowning at me, though, and said again, "Japanese team," clearly thinking I didn't know what I was talking about. I kept smiling. It was a really nice jacket.

China is going to be a disaster. Anyways.]

While I'm gone, I'd like to see the Metsies go something like 10-4, banking some wins against the overrated Dodgers and the soft Cincy-Washington combination. The upcoming weekend series at Yankee Stadium ... well, anything could happen there, and there's no reason to think ill of the team's chances. For all we know, the Bombers will be throwing out Kei Igawa and Darrell Rasner against us. There's nothing wrong with a baseball team that Kei Igawa can't cure.

By the time I get back, I'd like Pedro to have thrown off a mound and maybe, if we're lucky, to have tossed a simulated game. I'd like Moises Alou to still be on the active roster. I'd like to see Ramon Castro waddling around the dugout, and Nelson Figueroa with a couple more major-league wins in his back pocket, and the Phillies on a 15-game losing skid.

But I will settle for just getting out of the place alive. Some over .500 ball would be gravy.