The Fat Kid That Lost His Way

(Again, apologies for last weeks meltdown. We're not too computer savvy here and our server was in Barney.)

Remember when you were a kid and social status was based solely on athletic ability?

For the most part, this rule lasted through high school. The kids who sucked at sports found art or music or whatever else by their senior year, but that didn't really matter at American High.

Then, there's college. As Adrian Grenier told Designated Dave in his breakout hit, Drive me Crazy, "At State you can leave Designated Dave back home" (or something like that).

In his wisdom, Adrian was telling us that eventually the social order starts to balance out.

At age 21, the grand equalizer takes place. All of a sudden, there are bars. No longer do you need the invite to the party. You just flash an ID to a giant man, and you are cool.

Then you graduate, and all of a sudden life ain't so grand for washed up jock bloggers.

Because all of a sudden there is a new social currency. MONEY.

Women love guys with it. Fancy night spots prey on it. Nice clothes, good seats, and vacations require it.

So there he is, Joey I-Banker, 23, a loser all his life but sick at math, with more money than he knows what to do with. Timmy Normal Dude hates this guy. His D-Bag-Ocity is terribly transparent. But it doesn't matter. In Penny Lane's "real world" this guy is a winner.

And now Joey I-Banker is 28. It's five years later, he has a rezo at Nobu, a table at Tenjune and he has actually convinced himself that he is, in fact, a winner. He is pulling in 7 figures, has a chic on streets I have never heard of and a girlfriend named Laticia who loves French food, Manolo Bloniks (SP?) and bars with one word in the name.

"People love success, they hate successful people." - Fall River Dreams

9 times out of 10, Joey I-Banker sucks. And 9 times out of 10 it is because we, the normal people, don't have his coin, even though we owned him in dodgeball back in the 80's, that's what fuels our anger.

But for all the reasons we hate Mr. I-Banker, there is one thing we can't take away from him: He earned his keep. He may have stolen our women or taken our spot at the cool table at the cafeteria, but at least he earned it.

For that you need to tip your cap.

Which brings us to the one thing worse than Joey I-Banker. Let's call him "Joey Inheritance." He is the fat piece of shit who turned 21 and all of a sudden stumbled on cash. He is angry at the world for handing him a shitty hand (you know, aside from the money part) and he's taking it out on his credit card and anyone else who stands in his way.

Which takes us to the only thing in the world that is EVEN worse. Such an undeniable asshole that even his own people hate him. It takes him five minutes to show his hand and it ain't pretty.

For 17 years he was just the son of a businessman. He was awful on the eye, dumb and nonathletic: a social pariah.

Then his dad took a shot at a new business and struck gold. Twenty years later, this business became an empire. And another ten years later it was time for Daddy to pass the family business down.

And so it was that 6 months ago we were introduced to Hank Steinbrenner.

George Steinbrenner may have been the worst, but at least he earned it. The Yankees were his to embarrass. He bought them with money he earned and he was the owner during their amazing ascent to become the $1.3bn franchis they are today.

Meanwhile, Hank Steinbrenner was Tommy Boy, without the witty flare and charm.

He was the guy that was rude to the helpless waitress who was just trying to earn a buck while she struggled as an actress.

And then he was handed the keys to the world.

Everyone wants to own a baseball team. Can you imagine anything cooler? This guy was handed the Yankees -- in the eyes of most, the greatest team in the game.

And in 6 months, he has staked his claim as the most hatable person in baseball.

He's the guy in the poker game that yells at his opponent who just beat him for making a bad call.

And this week, he may have saved Yankee-bashing for a long time to come. Just three weeks into the 2008 season and already Hank the Brat is unsatisfied.

He hates his rotation -- a 19 game winner, 2 $10,000,000 starters and 2 top prospects.

Three weeks into the Yankees' "rebuilding" season and already Hammering Hank is whining. He is angry that Johan Santana is not a Yankee. He is unhappy that the Yankees are playing .500 baseball in April. And he is mad that Joba Chamberlin is not a starting pitcher.

All of a sudden, last September's hero, should never have been there to begin with.

All of a sudden, the kid that the Yankees didn't want to throw 200 innings should be throwing 200 innings.

And all of a sudden, Mike Mussina, eight years into his career in pinstripes, should be humiliated to the entire baseball world, hearing from his owner that he should not be in the rotation.

Hank Steinbrenner is going to ruin the Yankees.

It took him all of three weeks to do the following:

1. Undermine his GM
2. Embarrass / anger a top ten pitcher of the last decade
3. Give up on a rebuilding project
4. Tell his manager, who is already in a no-win situation, that he is doing his job wrong

It took George Steinbrenner 6 years to realize that his meddling was hurting the organization. He finally let go of the reins and told his baseball people to do baseball.

It was a revelation in Yankee Land. It kept Brian Cashman in the Bronx and has led to the Yankees developing one of baseball's top 5 farm systems.

The question now remains, how long will it take Hank to realize that his sloppy Joe-drooling self is a detriment? That every time he opens his mouth he is destroying the team that he does not deserve?

All we can do as Yankee haters is hope that this never takes place.

Vaya,
Sip

(Pics courtesy of imageshack.com, wikipedia.com)