Two hicks, one in a suit

Is it me, or did President Bush make the best joke of his life Wednesday afternoon?

As you may have seen on the SportsCenter, the Red Sox were at the White House to be honored for their 2007 thrashing of the Rockies in the World Series. Which could a problem from the get-go. Bush, like all good Evangelicals, couldn't have been happy to see a team filled with Christlove go down at the hands of a bunch of pagan, idol-worshiping, Irish dancing idiots. Much less a team from the wildly liberal enclave of Boston, the home of the famous Tax-a-chusetts Spend-o-crats. Talk about being fed to the lions.

But folks, on this day, the man was a uniter. Bush stood up there and threw the good people of New England some raw meat for their pre-season edification. He praised the hell out of Big Papi, looking dapper in a pinstriped suit and a hard-waxed hairdo, and did the whole Dice-K routine. ("We both have trouble answering questions in English." Very nice, Mr. President). He tipped his hat to the team's veterans and big-upped Jon Lester, cancer survivor, as an "inspiration" who moved "all of America, whether you're a Red Sox fan or not." Much appreciate, if not all that difficult to predict.

Then, after giving Ortiz the live, he whipped out the good stuff.

"I'm sorry his running mate, Manny Ramirez, isn't here. I guess his grandmother died again," Bush said to laughter. "Just kidding. Tell Manny I didn't mean it. But I do want to quote him. He said, 'When you don't feel good, and you still get hits, that's when you know you're a bad man.' I don't know what that means. But if bad man means good hitter, he's a really bad man, because he was clutch in the World Series and clutch in the playoffs."

Zing! Score one for the Republicans. I cracked up when I saw the video of that whole interaction. You could see all the Sox crack up behind the President. Ortiz looked like he was at a Chris Rock show. Even Varitek, who I imagine having less of a sense of humor than your average pinenut, was chuckling heartily in front of the cameras. It was just a really solid, funny, borderline nasty joke, the type that you never saw coming. Topical, etc. Credit where credit is due.

UPDATE: Rockies not that saintly after all!

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The other issue I want to get at is the almost-dustup between the Mets and the University of Michigan Wolverines from Wednesday. The Cislo Affair, if you will. In case you didn't hear, it went down like this -- in the fourth inning of an early Spring Training game, with a runner on second base and one down, Michigan centerfielder Kevin Cislo apparently tried to bunt for a base hit, only to see his attempt roll foul. Wagner stalked around on the mound for a while, shaking his head like an asshole, enough so that Cislo then swung away (and into a groundout).

After the game, Wagner offered this quote, presumably in between mounds of chaw:

"If he got that bunt down, I would have drilled the next guy," Wagner said. "Play to win against Villanova."

The quote is priceless, especially insofar as it gets on Villanova "Villanova, the armpit of baseball, according to Billy Wagner." Ain't much for the Big East, this we know. Still, I'm of two minds here. My first instinct is to tell Wagner to stop letting his skirt show quite so much. In fact, even considering I'm going to reverse my stance in two paragraphs' time, I just want it recorded here that I find the whole haughty, too-good-to-move-off-the-mound attitude really distasteful. Talk about big-leaguing a bunch of college guys. The right way to look at it is that bunting is either part of the game, or it's not. (Hint: it is). You might not want a guy to bunt at any given time, especially if you're old or creaky or over-laden with tobacco products of one kind or another, but guess what -- that's how it goes.

I understand that it's a preseason exhibition game, but we're not talking about an all-out, balls-to-the-wall strategy here. We're not talking about running a full-court press in a co-ed hoops game or sending an all-out blitz or running over Ramon Castro on a play at the plate. Bunting for a base hit is just a type of swing, one that makes the pitcher (or catcher) -- who are infielders just like you and me -- field the ball. Is Billy's point that he's too cool to field the ball? That he doesn't need any practice at fielding? Lord knows we can't have our sensitive closer making even one play he'd prefer not to make.

Whether it's a pickup game or the NBA, a fast guy gets to run the floor against a big guy. Fleet runners get to take the extra base when there's a noodle arm in center, whether it's Juan Pierre or Johhny Damon or a high school sophomore. NFL coaches call play-action passes in preseason games. What on Earth is the problem?

Well, we know what the problem is. Billy's implicit point is that his health and, by association, the Mets' season is far more important than the outcome of a game against Michigan, or even the integrity of a game against Michigan. Making him move to field the ball increases, by some amount, the risk that he'll pull a groin or a hammy or a pouch, and any amount of increased risk is unacceptable, based on whatever (his salary, the gap in public investment between the Mets' success and the integrity of the game, his "veteran" status, etc.).

I get this, kind of. But I consider it arrogant to a fault, not to mention really fucking pathetic. These are some fragile bodies and egos we're talking about here if taking three steps to one's right, turning and throwing a ball 80 feet is considered a major risk to one's health, much less a potential incitement to violence. I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. What a whiny, entitled thing to do. Don't play, dickhead. [Deep breaths might help.]

Cislo, as it happens, is a decent slap hitter, .364 with no power. In other words, the guy who needs the bunt single as part of his repertoire. Honestly, good for him and the Wolverines (who've got a Horace Mann grad on the roster) for the 4-4 tie, and bad on us.

And Willie should stop kissing up to Wagner.

Asked about Wagner's reaction, manager Willie Randolph laughed.

"He couldn't bring himself to drill the kid," Randolph said. " Nolan Ryan might have. Nolan or Roger [Clemens] may have done it, kid or not."

Yeah, he's a real hero. Ugh.