Plagiarism? We're talking about plagiarism?

Alright, Jimmy, that's enough. We've had some fun, and done some congratualting in circumstances where we might have otherwise been strident, and that's fine. You and the Phils had a great 2007, and deserve plenty of credit for being positively demolished by the Rockies. More power, etc.

But now you're stepping into some places you don't want to go. You heard about Carlos Beltran's riposte and assertion of the Mets' status as the team to beat, and I suppose a response was inevitable. And your first point was well-taken -- being more vocal would in fact help Beltran become more of a leader. Some might interpret that as a criticism of Carlos' more laid-back approach, but I see it coming from Rollins -- obviously something of a talker himself -- as an obvious compliment. No problems there.

No, the problem is with the joke that followed.

To that I have two things to say. One: There are four other teams in this division that want to make sure that doesn’t happen. And, two: Has anyone ever heard of plagiarism?

Ha ha ha! Sure have! I mean, we're bloggers -- plagiarism is kind of a way of life around these parts. Do you know how many sons bite off Y2K on the daily? We can't even get space to breathe. Everybody wants to write about hanging with E from "Entourage" or pretend they're down with the White Stripes or rip off Cheddar Ben's whiskey-fueled ramblings. It's just something we have to life with. On top of that, as a graduate of journalism school, I've been exposed to plenty of professional, big-resume plagiarism. High-roller plagiarism, if you will. And I will.

Do you get my drift, Jimmy? I've forgotten more about plagiarism than you'll ever know. I have the plagiarism strength of ten men. And I've got to tell you, even as a joke, I'm not that impressed with your dropping of the P-Bomb.

For one thing -- and this is kind of important -- it's not plagiarism if you didn't come up with the fucking thing in the first place.

"No, I've heard the Mycenaeans are real strong this year, and the Carthaginians are always tough, but we did a lot of work over the winter, and considering how many people we killed last year, I'd have to say we're the team to beat."

- Gladiator Marcus Phillipus, captain of the West Appian Raiders, 104 A.D.

No?

"Surely you jest. Those ghastly English wouldn't know a hot-air balloon if it struck them directly in the crotch. It is beyond contention that Frenchmen make the finest aeronauts. Our technology is superior. Our training is superb. Did we not rout the field in the Viceroy's Occidental Challenge last autumn? The idea of Whiteside or one of his men making it to the Trans-Syrian Waypoint before us is positively laughable. We, sir, are the team to beat."

- Jules Verne, 1893

See where I'm going with this?

"Our naval capabilities grow by leaps and bounds, our Panzer divisions multiply daily, but the true strength of the Wehrmacht is located all around us, gentlemen. It is in the planes you see before you, the great beasts of flight, the engines of the Luftwaffe and of our people's destiny. Can any other nation boast of such a supreme instrument beating at its heart? It cannot, and that, gentlemen, clearly makes us the team to beat."

- Hermann Goering, 1938

The point being, Rollins, that you're full of shit. Maybe ol' Carlos didn't come up with the most original comeback ever (it was kind of an "Oh yeah? Well ..." moment), but that doesn't mean he stole your rinky-dink phrase. It says here you have absolutely no claim on a hissy fit here. Get over yourself, chum.

Which isn't to say that Carlos couldn't potentially be guilty of plagiarism. Look, New York is a pressure-packed media town. There's a lot of incentive to sound good in front of the SNY cameras and the WFAN microphones. Beltran doesn't speak in public all that often, much less extemporaneously, and it would have to be tempting for such a guy to go back to the well of previously successful quotes, just so as to guarantee a good reception. I'm not saying it would be acceptable, and the last thing the Mets need is another plagiarism scandal after Keith Hernandez got caught swiping those battle scenes for his latest World War 2 book. But I would understand where Carlos was coming from. There would have to be a give and take. For example:

Beltran: "Oh yeah, Jimmy? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"

Verdict: Clearly plagiarism. But probably worth it.

Beltran: "Hey, I'll tell you what I'm gonna give you, Rollins. I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your lying, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2 ... 10!" [Makes machine gun noises with mouth as Marty Noble scribbles down every word]

Verdict: Not plagiarism, as previously plagiarized from other sources. Lord knows his Chicago gangster accent would be awful.

Beltran: Steals quotes from Jose Reyes, Fernando Martinez and Mike Carp, and to deflect attention from investigation into quote theft, hangs noose in Mets locker room and accuses Jeff Wilpon of out-and-out racism

Verdict: Big-time plagiarism.

Beltran: "I think so. If we're not the team to beat, I'd like to know who is."

Verdict: Whoops, that was the Red Sox' Jonathan Papelbon last week. Damn it, Paps, you've got to cut that out. Don't you know Jimmy Rollins trademarked the phrase over the winter? It was either that or spend the trademark fee on another diamond ring the size of a watermelon, and you can only wear so many of those at once.

Speaking of which, did anyone see this report about Ambiorix Burgos having $270,000 worth of jewelry stolen out of his hotel room in Port St. Lucie? What the hey? That's the most insane thing I've seen since the Memphis men's basketball team got their mink coats jacked a couple of years back. The questions roll off the mind. Has Ambiorix Burgos really made enough money that he can be throwing around a quarter mil on bling? More importantly, does he really have to report with his entire bank vault to pitchers and catchers? This is clearly the type of guy that Brian Schneider is an expert at reaching and molding.

Beltran: Jimmy, I served with the team to beat. I knew the team to beat. The team to beat was a friend of mine. Jimmy, you're no team to beat."

Verdict: A tough one, but it's been reused plenty over the years. Not plagiarism.

Beltran: "Yeah, 'cause you're a retard, you don't know shit about fuckin' baseball. You're filling in for somebody. You're not even a beat writer."

Verdict: Plagiarism, direct from the source