Named in the Mitchell Report? Repeat After Me...

Andy Pettitte did it. Fernando Vina's doing it. Ballplayers named in the Mitchell Report, it's time for you to tell your side of the story. There's 86 of you guys to go. Since I'm a nice guy I thought I'd do you a favor and hand you your scripts.

Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Chuck Knoblauch... I'll make this easy for you. Just repeat after me:

"I'm here today to respond to allegations raised against me in the Mitchell Report. The Report alleges that I purchased steroids and human growth hormone on [state number] occassions beginning in [state year].

I regretfully admit that I purchased HGH twice, but I categorically deny ever using steroids. The reports linking me to steroid use are founded on uncorroborated evidence, supplied by people with questionable reputations.

As to my limited use of HGH, it was a stupid decision, and I take full responsibility for my actions. I was recovering from an injury to my [state body part] and I felt an obligation to my teammates, my fans, and my organization to do everything in my power to get back on the field quickly.

In retrospect, I regret this decision greatly. It was one of the most foolish decisions of my life. At the time, I felt that getting back on the field was the most important thing.

Let me be crystal clear on this one point: I used HGH to recover from injury, not for my own benefit. I used HGH to get back out on the field for all the people who were counting on me, not for any competitive advantage.

Nothing I say can pardon my actions. I just want to put this unfortunate lapse of judgment behind me, and I hope that all the fans out there can do the same."

It's as simple as copy and paste, people.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but it's scary how authentic that sounds. Hell, maybe I could be a spokesperson.

- A.F.O.M.G.