Y2K 2007 NFL New York Season Preview

Alright, let's get this out of the way. You don't like me, and I don't like you. Oh, you like me? Whatever. I still don't like you.

But that's no reason to deny you, the 25 percent of Y2K's readership desirous of an NFL season preview, the reward you so richly deserve. However, in deference to the majority of good, God-afearin' baseball fans who frequent this site, the preview will be limited to the one (1) team plying its trade in the Empire State, and the two (2) other pretenders to that name who, in fact, occupy the substandard province of New Jersey. I'm looking at you, Wellington Mara. Actually, I'm looking at your granddaughter. But don't you worry your head about that.

Let's go!

Best offense in New York -- Buffalo Bills

Hey, I'm as shocked as you. For all his tree cleanin', city adoptin' prowess, J.P. Losman hasn't exactly proven anything as an NFL quarterback, whereas both the Jets' Chad Pennington and the Giants Lucy Manning are both veterans of the postseason. Moreover, the Bills have an even more unproven player manning the backfield, the hilarious but endogenously enigmatic Marshawn Lynch, arguably most famous for driving a golf cart around his home field at Cal after a particularly stimulating win. Say what you will about Brandon Jacobs and Thomas Jones (and there's plenty to say), but at least they've played a down in the league.

So wherefore the love for the Bills, then? (Aside from the blatant homerism.) Like the shark says, it's the cream filling. The line, morons, the line. Buffalo GM/archivist Marv Levy went out and spent his free agent millions on a completely new set of offensive linemen, and assembled himself a quiet wrecking crew in the process. The names won't jump off the page at you -- Derrick Dockery, formerly of Washington, Jason Whittle from the Vikes, and Langston Walker, ex- of the Raiders -- but all are efficient and hard-working beasts who will pimpify a unit that hasn't been respectable since the Super Bowl years.

I don't hate the other two offenses -- the Jets obviously have some decent pieces, and I'm more of a Jacobs guy than pretty much anyone. But the Giants, after the GM-fueled controversy of the offseason, are practically the polar opposite of the Bills when it comes to line stability, and they only have the task of replacing their best running back ever. And the Chad Pennington-Kellen Clemens situation is going to get worse before it gets better, especially after Marshall's finest goes 15 of 27 this weekend against the Pats and looks weak-armed doing it -- the quarterback controversy columns from Kevin Kernan and the asshole from the Daily News (I know, which one?) are practically in the can. All three teams will be right in the middle of the pack, but Buffalo -- with stud receivers Lee Evans and Roscoe Parrish waiting in the wings -- is most likely to have a breakout year.

Best defense -- New York Jets

Here's my impression of Michael Strahan's off-season -- sip, scarf, snuff, sit, sip, scarf, sip, sit, lift, snuff, go on "PTI" to whine about his contract, sit, snort, sip, call "Mike and the Mad Dog," sit, sign.

Not exactly the stuff winning seasons are made of, folks. As much as I like the Jints' speed rushing duo of Osi Umenyiora and Mathias Kiwanuka (Wasn't it great when Mitt Romney stopped by training camp in Albany to rail against illegal immigration? What a guy.), they've got no depth and the highly overrated Antonio Pierce manning the fort at ILB. Look elsewhere.

The situation in Buffalo is no better, unless you're a Polish-American resident of Western New York who's already bought a Paul Posluszny jersey. And you know there's a bunch of them. The Bills have a decent lineman in Aaron Schobel and two nice young safeties in Donte Whitner and Ko Simpson, but their linebackers are completely untested after the departures of Spikes and Fletcher, and their response to losing Nate Clements to the 49ers (for a completely insane amont of money, mind you) was to sign a guy who didn't play at all last year, Jason Webster. I can't even begin to explain how weak the center of the defense is going to look against any team with a running game.

Which brings us to Coach Mangini's band of renown, who'll start a green (but very rich) rookie at cornerback in Darrelle Revis, straight outta Alquippa. They're unfortunately highly solid at practically every other slot, with Vilma and the criminally underrated Eric Barton a tackling bloc in the middle of the backing corps. Shaun Ellis has always gotten a bad rap, but he's looking at a great year next to the still-improving Dewayne Robertson. The rest of the secondary is balanced and well-coached. As a unit, they're somewhere on the periphery of the Top 10.

But compared to the two loser groups playing in blue, they might as well be the Purple People Eaters. Advantage, Revis.

Best Special Teams -- Buffalo Bills

In a landslide. The balding but otherwise dishy Brian Moorman is the best punter since Liam Gallagher, and the return corps of Parrish and Terrence McGee is the best in the league according to everyone from Peter King to Pro Football Prospectus to the guys who hang out in the falafel shops down in the West Village. Kicker Rian Lindell has the best field-goal percentage in franchise history. There's nothing not to like. Coach Bobby April's the equivalent of the guy who won all the technical Oscars for "Wild Wild West." Does that make Losman Will Smith? I don't care. Meanwhile, the less said about the Giants and special teams, the better.

Best Coach -- New York Jets

Another landslide. Buffalo's Dick Jauron isn't shitting the bed like most expected him to, but neither is he going to do anything unbecoming of a Yale man, like win dirty if he has to. They don't have "outside-the-box" thinking in the course catalog in New Haven. Now, there's nothing wrong with being a solid, vanilla leader, especially when you consider the alternatives. (Hint: Rhymes with "Offlin.")

But neither does it make a coach special, as the Mangina certainly appears to be. Which is infuriating, seeing as how he's done it by swiping all of his tactics and tics whole cloth from mentor Bill "I Ruined a Marriage and Somehow Tricked the Media Into Thinking it was Wrong to Cover the Story" Belichick. Right down to the media relations angle. Even with the sloppy dressing. This isn't a lazy Lupica angle to the story, nor is it idle armchair psychoanalysis --- Mangini is certainly his own man in many regards, and the actual plays being called are different, but the big picture is nothing but a carbon copy. That's notable, if not dispositive.

Whatever, though, right? You can't argue with the results, and while the J-E-T-S were lucky as hell last year with their weak-ass schedule, they also beat the Pats and would have beaten Chicago and Indy with even a little bit of an extra push. They may be a better team this year and wind up with a worse record, which tells you a little something about the role luck plays in the NFL. In any case, their coach is by far the best-equipped to deal with anything that crops up during the course of a season. Like a team's best player declaring his early retirement, for example. That sort of thing.

Predictions

Buffalo 9-7, Wild Card, blown out in first round by San Diego, J.P. Losman marries a farmer's daughter

Jets 8-8, Pennington replaced in Week 6, injures arm while tossing Gatorade bottle on sideline

Giants 5-11, most boring team in football, Coughlin signs a 2-year extension