Tell 'Em, Dwayne

A.F.O.M.G. aside, why are we here at Y2K so laid back about the Mets' collapse over the past week? Why are we cracking jokes, loose as barnyard geese, knocking around takes on the Sawks and Yanks while dorky commenters exhort us to care more about the Amazins? Why?

It's like the star of the upcoming smash hit film "The Game Plan," the Rock, says -- it doesn't matter.

(Anyone else remember that song? Wyclef Jean, featuring the Rock, "It doesn't matter how many Bentleys you have," etc? Off of 2000's brutal "The Ecleftic: 2 Sides II a Book," possibly the most disappointing album of the past 10 years? Coming off consecutive winners in "The Score" and "The Carnival," two of the best listen-through albums out there, each packed with great songs, tight Lauryn Hill verses and all that, Wyclef went and laid an egg the size of a Sherman tank. My Lord, what a disaster. In any case.)

Now, this may seem too obvious for words, but would we prefer that the Mets win these late-season games? Yes. Yes, we would. Beyond that, is it a disaster for the Mets to have lost all of these games? Not even close. We're going to be a bunch of Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? He's cool.

Why? Because it doesn't matter. Peep this.

1) The Mets are still in first place

By more than a game, mind you, with series against only the sub-.500 Marlins and Nationals left to play. The Phillies still have to play the Braves, who are considerably meaner than either, right? I mean, wake me when we're tied. Pre-panicking helps nobody.

Moreover ...

2) The Mets are basically a cinch to make the playoffs

The figure was 94.5 percent according to Baseball Prospectus' Playoff Odds Report as of Thursday -- not the mortal lock you'd like, but the best odds of anyone in the NL. Which you have to take in this situation. All the NL West teams still have tough schedules -- both the Pads and D-Backs have to play the new Rox, playing out of their minds for that Wild Card berth, and the Pads have the Brewers -- in a race of their own -- as well. Baseball's a funny game, but if you had to say the scheduling situation favors anyone, it's the Mets.

And let's please not go worrying about Division Titles. Are the Nationals fucking annoying at the moment? Sure, but as George Vescey put it in the Times today, "Knocking off a front-runner was a more exquisite torture before the bailout device of the wild card came around in 1995." Big time. Read the whole thing. I'd be a lot more concerned with Wily Mo if his antics actually meant anything.

Would the bubbly be a bonus? No doubt. Like the Continental, David Wright wants to share his champagne with us, and I'd like to taste it. But it's the stupid trophy with the cheap-looking little flags we're really worried about, and getting to the playoffs is what matters. Because, of course ...

3) There's no stigma about getting to the playoffs via the Wild Card

I think everyone knows this on an intellectual level. But, again, in the heat of the moment and as the thrill of competition takes over, we all tend to forget the facts. Here, then, as a brief reminder, is a list of teams who've won postseason series as the Wild Card.

The 2006 Detroit Tigers
The 2005 Houston Astros
The 2004 Houston Astros
The 2004 Boston Red Sox
The 2003 Boston Red Sox
The 2003 Florida Marlins
The 2002 Anaheim Angels
The 2002 San Francisco Giants

Res ipsa, baby. Just get to the playoffs, and let the crapshoot begin. The Mets specifically don't have to worry about bearing the weight of the Wild Card because ...

4) The Mets play better on the road anyway

Outside of Queens, say hello to Carlos Beltran and his .585 slugging percentage. Say hello to Carlos Delgado's .292 -- .292!!! -- batting average, and an overall line that looks exactly like his career numbers. Moises Alou is cranking along at a .390/.460/.598 pace on the road, which is pretty decent.

The Metsies tend to gain about 20 points of average, 20 point of slugging, and around 15 on-base points when away from Shea. They're 44-33 on the road this year against 40-34 at home, which doesn't seem like much until you consider it's the best away winning percentage in baseball. Again, I'm not sure I'd be behind this 100 percent, but you can easily make the case that the Mets would be better served by going on the road. It's at least plausible.

With how they've been playing as of late, limping along like a goddamn train wreck, we might find out. But again, as bad as we've looked, I can't be too concerned. Why?

5) It doesn't matter how you finish the season

Now, the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals may come to mind here, as well they ought. Tony LaRussa's team of jackasses staggered across the 162-game finish line at 83-78 having been 16 games over .500 on July 26. They lost seven in a row from Sept. 20 to 27, letting a 7-game lead turn into a half-game advantage before rallying to take three of their last five.

That turned out rather well for them, wouldn't you say?

But, of course, their World Series opponents were no different -- the Tiggers turned a 10-game lead into the AL Central into a WC berth by losing their last five games, including a sweep at the hands of the Royals.

Now, the 2005 ChiSox and 2003 Marlins are certainly good examples of teams riding hot streaks all the way to World Championships, but the point is that either scenario -- winners keep on winnin,' or cool squad heats up -- is perfectly reasonable. All things being equal, I'd prefer that the Mets go into the playoffs on a roll, but it's simply not necessary.

Especially if the struggles are of the mysterious (rather than injury-related) variety. Do the Mets have Moises, Endy, and Petey back? Yep. Are El Duque and Delgado going to be ready to go? They are. Is Blastings ready to blast off? In a big way. What, me worry?

Let the Nats have their fun. Let the Phillies play every game until the last day of the season as if it were the Battle of Midway. Let the media go nuts.

Me, I'm going to smell what my main man Dwayne is cooking. It doesn't matter.