The Italian Job 2, or, Death in Venice

Stephon Marbury made a shocking revelation yesterday, saying that when his contract expires with the Knicks in two years, he's planning to play in Italy. Marbury, amidst his 38-city, cross-country bus tour to promote his discount Starburys sneakers, told The Post he wants to eventually leave the NBA after having visited Italy in May with his wife.

"I'm not just thinking of doing it, I'm going to do it," Marbury vowed yesterday. "My wife loved it there. It's like a [David] Beckham thing."

-New York Post, July 18

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Scene: A gym in Treviso, Italy. Benetton, including its newest signing, has been practicing for an hour. Enter head coach Allessandro Ramagli, wearing a sharp designer suit and carrying a pair of espressos. An assistant blows a whistle, and drills cease. Ramagli approaches his new star player.

Ramagli: Buongiorno, Signore Marbury! Welcome to Italy!

Marbury: Thanks, coach. Good to meet you.

Ramagli: Si, si, the pleasure is entirely mine. How was your flight?

Marbury: Not bad at all. I had some of that, what do you call it, gelato? In the airport. Man, that was pretty tasty. I think I'm going to like it here.

Ramagli: But of course. Have you been able to settle into your new home?

Marbury: Definitely, definitely. LaTasha's got everything all moved in, and she loves it. There was a nice little breeze this morning. Couldn't be happier. This is a really beautiful area you've got here. I think we'll be very comfortable.

Ramagli: Well, that is our hope, Signore. Did you receive the welcoming gift from my wife?

Marbury: No, I don't think so. Actually, we did find a decapitated cat in a box on the doorstep when we moved in, but I just thought it was from a Knicks fan. I threw it to the pack of wild dogs running through the neighborhood.

Ramagli: ... ah, very well. No problem. There were be other opportunities. We serve gatto senza testa quite regularly at team functions .

Marbury: Serve what now?

Ramagli: In any case, here is some refreshment for you. [Presents espresso]

Marbury: [shakes head] Oh, no thanks, coach. I'm in the middle of practice.

Ramagli: Of course you are. [Laughs, turns to assistants]. He does not want the coffee. He says he's in the middle of practice. [All laugh uproariously]. Signore Marbury, where will you get your energy from if not this espresso? It is an Italian basketball tradition to drink at least one cup during the course of each training session, and at least two during halftime of each game. In this way, we refuel our bodies and refocus our senses. Your foul American sports drinks do nothing but chill and load the body with sugar and filth, whereas espresso is natural and invigorating. This cup, in particular, was prepared for me by the finest shop in all of Treviso. Please, have a taste.

Marbury: It's just that it's about 100 degrees in this gym, and I could really use some water ... [sees the look on Ramagli's face] ... um, okay. [Sips. Looks disgusted.]

Ramagli: Excellent. Now, all the particulars have been arranged. Your contract is to your liking, yes?

Marbury: Oh, no doubt. The contract is good.

Ramagli: Two years, $6 million American dollars, plus several plane tickets for your cousin Sebastian, the criminal. A stately sum.

Marbury: Well, not really, but whatever.

Ramagli: Never before has the club paid such an amount to any one individual. As I'm sure you know, raising the money was very difficult. We had to release many of our players. Coach Vitucci sold his vintage Ferrari to a doctor in Venice. Coach Corbani is leasing his sister to a whorehouse in Vazzola for a year as well. It has been difficult on many of us.

Marbury: [looks away nervously] Yeah, about those players. I was just wondering when the rest of the team was going to get here.

Ramagli: [looks blankly]

Marbury: You know, the rest of the pros. These guys I've been shooting around with are pretty decent, actually, for dudes at a gym, but I was hoping to meet my teammates soon.

Ramagli: Signore Marbury, this is our squad. With this team, we will capture the scudetto and the EuroLeague, mark my words! It is the finest team we have ever assembled!

Marbury: You've got to be kidding me. Where are all the other Americans? Where's that guy from Xavier, Lionel Chalmers? You've got to have at least one player from the ACC here, right?

Ramagli: They have all been sold to pay for you. This year, we will have Starbury, and a homegrown team to take the title. Forza Treviso, yes?

Marbury: But look at these clowns. That little hairy guy over there plays? He's like 5-8, and he hasn't made a shot yet.

Ramagli: I don't know who you mean. [Marbury points]. Ah, you have seen Sergio Galletti? One of my finest pupils. Two-time Most Valuable Player of the league. Scored 25 points during a single half against CSKA Moscow. Those animal Russian fans wanted to rape him after that game. And they almost did. [Chuckles to self.]

Marbury: But all he's doing is tripping guys. Look, there he goes again. He's just sticking his leg out and pushing the other dudes on the ground. I think he just spit on one of them.

Ramagli: Yes, he is very skilled. And you have seen Paolo, our young center? One of the top NBA prospects in all of Europe, but we are not so willing to give him up yet, no?

Marbury: That scrawny motherfucker with the leg braces on? He's just standing in the corner and shooting 3-pointers. He looks like Jason McElwain.

Ramagli: Ah, yes, the boy from Rochester. I hear he has a tryout with Bologna next week.

Marbury: I don't even think half of these guys are wearing basketball shoes. What are those?

Ramagli: Those are loafers. Fine local leather. Very reasonable. As Italians, we are extremely proud of our fashion sense. Would you like a pair?

Marbury: Man, I'm here to sell my own. ... Okay, hold on a second. Can anyone here even dunk?

Ramagli: Certainly! Why, what do you take us for? We are the runners-up of the entire continent! "Paolo, vieni qui e fai questo."

[Paolo limps toward the 3-point arc. An assistant hands him a basketball, gives him instructions. Paolo runs toward the rim, stops at the free throw line and shoots a jump shot.]

Assistant: Bravo, Paolo!

Marbury: What the shit?

Ramagli: [softly] Please, it is best to give him encouragement. He is, how do you say, not quite right in the head. But the new medication from France, it is very promising.

Marbury: I think I'm going to be sick.

Ramagli: Ah, in Treviso, we have an excellent cure for weakness of the stomach. [Snaps fingers]. Marco! Bring out the gatto senza testa!

[Enter mimes, cue organ music. Red and white checked curtain falls.]