Y2K-U: Tourney Edition

Y2K-U: Tomorrow’s Headlines Today

Welcome to a very special edition of Y2K-U, where we save you the trouble of buying the next three weeks of newspapers. Let’s go to the Future Time Machine, shall we?

Friday, March 16: MONARCHS REIGN as Old Dominion pulls off the mandatory 12-5 upset. I’ve watched some Butler recently, and let me tell you, anyone who can’t beat Wright State in two tries in two weeks may have peaked in November. And looking back, those pre-season NIT wins over Indiana and Gonzaga suddenly don’t seem so impressive. In other news, A&M rolls over Penn. (Sorry, Sip).

Saturday, March 17: IRISH SPRING as Notre Dame leads us into St. Patrick’s Day by dismantling everyone’s favorite Cinderella, Winthrop. I imagine dudes named Carter and Harangody will be key. Elsewhere, Virginia wins its first tourney game in 12 years, Kansas and Florida win by a combined 60, and Memphis very quietly wins its 632^nd game in a row.

Sunday, March 18: AWESOME, BABY!!! Duke defeats Pitt to make its tenth Sweet 16 in a row. Sure, Xavier upsets Grandpa Oden and Ohio State to record the biggest upset of the tournament, but do they have a coach who is also a leader of men? Well, do they? Oh, and UNC won too, which should relegate the Musketeers to C6 under the fold in the Vitale Times.

Monday, March 19: WHEN’S FOOTBALL SEASON? And the Big Ten’s brilliant six teams are all gone, as Georgia Tech drills Wisconsin due to more athleticism. The opponents may change, but Kansas and Florida now win by a total of 51 over Kentucky and Purdue. Tennessee and Virginia look really pretty in HD, and Kevin Durant has 35 and 18 in a win over Southern Cal.

Friday, March 23: HOME COOKIN’: UCLA continues a fantastic path through the state of California – for the second straight year – as the incredible Coach K cannot overcome the fact that Ben Howland is actually a better coach at this point of their careers. The Jayhawks roll on through some boring defensive team, maybe Southern Illinois. Tennessee ends the Xavier run, and Texas A&M takes out Memphis.

Saturday March 24: BEST FRESHMAN EVER, as the Durant Train rolls through the Baby Blue in a 98-96 OT game of the tournament.

Georgetown beats Wazzu in a game with 70 less points. The Gators roll on, as does Georgia Tech, who are tiring of the references to George Mason by this point.

Sunday, March 25: THEY FOUGHT THE LAW, and the Law won; Acie’s 27 points send A&M to the Final Four over Tennessee. The purportedly better game is not, as Kansas blitzes UCLA behind 33 and 12 from Julian Wright.

Monday, March 26: HOYA PARANOIA, with Jeff Green scoring 22 and shutting down King Kevin to send G-Town to its first Final Four since the mid-80s. Joakim Noah has 23 points, 9 boards, and one horrific dance as the Gators win the East over a game Georgia Tech.

Tuesday, March 27: OH, CRAP, as Dan realizes he’s picked the same Final Four as Bill Simmons.

Saturday, March 31: WELCOME BACK, first to Mr. Carter, as in Josh Carter, whose three-pointer with 15 seconds left and Acie Law triple teamed lifts the Aggies into the Final. And second to the Gators, whose win is sealed when Kansas misses four free throws in the final minute.

Sunday, April 1: TOM TERRIFIC, as Glavine tosses a five-hitter over seven to lead the Mets to a 3-1 win in Game 8 of the 2006 NLCS. Oh well.

Monday, April 2: GREATER GATORS, as the Florida talent is just too much for A&M in a 75-64 national championship win. Vitale’s happy, because now he can say “Duke” 372 times in referencing the last repeat champion. The men of Gainesville are happy, because the women of Gainesville will be drunker and easier. Few others are happy, though.

Tuesday, April 3: VIVE LA FRANCE, with Courtney Paris dropping 32 and 22 to lead Oklahoma over Duke in the women’s title game. Wrong blog? Oh, sorry. Well, fine, then: every single Gator down to Tim Tebow declares for the draft, so someone else can win the men’s tournament next year next year. And not a moment too soon…for it will then be time to hate the Yank$!

- Cousin Dan

(Pics courtesy of Aggieathletics.com, truthaboutduke.com, scout.com, and newsday.com)