You May Not Have Three or Four, But You Got One, Man

This really sent me up the wall. I spit some venom at my newspaper when I saw this crap.

To recognize the 25th anniversary of its Air Force 1 sneaker, the company commissioned a song from some prominent hip-hop musicians: the producer Rick Rubin and the rappers Kanye West, Nas and KRS-One.

Here comes the David Spade impression. No, I mean, the song sounds great. I just liked it more the first time ... when it was called "Air Force Ones."



How does this happen, precisely? It's a rhetorical question, don't bother answering. I know Nike wanted a tune it controlled the rights to, wanted the buzz of creating a new song, wanted to give KRS-One a much-needed paycheck.

But it's just disgusting. The damn shoe already had a landmark, No. 1 song about it, by the top-selling artist in the country at the time. Its release prompted a hail of free advertising about shoe culture and hip-hop (the benefits of which rebounded directly to Nike), and put the brand name on the lips of every consumer of MTV in the world.

In fact, there are a couple of products whose manifold benfits have already been well-documented by the bards of their time. I don't care about anniversaries or nothing; these products don't need no more songs about them. The ones we have will do fine.

1. Air Force Ones ("Air Force Ones," Nelly and the St. Lunatics)

Hilarious song, especially when the guy from Nelly's crew raps right in first verse about how fresh his style was. "You couldn't get this color if you had a personal genie." Are you kidding me? Not even if I had a personal genie? Then why exactly am I sitting here rubbing all these old lamps? What a colossal waste of time.

The hilarity follows with Murphy Lee, the guy in the mask, and a couple of other no-talents trying to fill time in between the hooks. Nelly wears his stupid band-aid in the video (between Nelly and "Almost Famous," band-aids almost made the list, but there's no real signature song).

2. Corvettes ("Little Red Corvette," Prince)

See, Chevy's a classy company. When they want to run a commercial about how important their brand is, they get off their ass and pay for the clearances. "American Pie," "My 409," and this gem from the Super Bowl's halftime star himself.

Basically, nobody's going to come up with a better description of the Corvette's attractive flaws. "Baby you're much too fast, yes you are." The love and the fear is practically dripping onto the dashboard. Unbeatable song. Since we just missed the 50th anniversary of the car (2003), I think we're safe for a while.

3. Adidas sneakers ("My Adidas," Run D.M.C.)

This actually gives me pause. There should be no way in hell a company could ever get better advertising than this song, which all but made the shoes out to be the fourth member of the group. (R.I.P.)

My Adidas cuts the sand of a foreign land/with mic in hand I cold took command. My Adidas and me both askin P/we make a good team my Adidas and me.

It's like handing the company a wad of cash in an envelope. Classic song about a classic style, and one of the stalwarts at their concerts.

Two things are still bothersome. First, it's a shoe company, and as seen before, there's no telling what these assholes in marketing will come up with in their free time. On enough Red Bull and ephedrine, the idea of a Gazelles tribute dirge featuring Elton John and Three-Six Mafia probably sounds like the ticket to a corner office. I've seen far too many Geico spots to be kidding.

Also, I don't mean to alarm anyone, but have you noticed where this company seems to be based out of? The weak of heart should not click here, but everyone else ought to take a look at this information I've come up with. I mean, wow. Really makes you think.

4. Fried chicken ("Fried Chicken," Ice-T)

Kind of an obscure one, and hardly a smash hit like the others. But Ice-T's one-verse paean to lipids and excess resonates with anyone who's ever come to his senses, mostly blacked out, at 2:30 in the morning and just needed (NEEDED) something really and truly greasy.

We gotta clean it up/cause it's so dope. Tried the rubbing alcohol/even the Ivory soap. But no matter what we do, the record keeps clickin. FUCK IT! Evil E, give me some of that/damn fried chicken!

Indeed.

5. Most drugs and alcohol ("Purple Haze," Jimi Hendrix, "Thug Passion," 2Pac)

See also: Morrison, Jim; Joplin, Janis; Yankovic, Weird Al.

Exceptions, perhaps, for liquor and brands without signature songs to connect with them. Bombay Sapphire, for example, has carte blanche to pursue a song of its own, but if it were up to me, Tanqueray would be stuck with Snoop's "Gin and Juice." Same thing with whiskeys. Maker's Mark can have a go of it, but Jack Daniels needs to just pick one Guns N' Roses tune and stick with it.

Obviously, Alize and Hennessey are done. Cristal and Moet as well.