Cry Me a Rivera

(Note: A piece from Sip will be available later this afternoon.)

Oh, boy. Somebody's putting on the old scorpion mask again.

It'll make SportsCenter and it's in all the papers, and I have no idea what Mariano Rivera is whining about with this new contract babble. He's talking extension, and not in a positive, productive, Gary Sheffield-type way. Cue passive-aggressive interaction with reporters outside batting cages .... now!

"I definitely want to finish my career here," Rivera said after a light workout at the team's minor league complex. "But you know, if they don't give me the respect I deserve, I'll have to move on."

Okay, Mo. You've suddenly turned into a leaner, scowling version of Pedro, but that's cool. Any hint to why you've decided to become such a douche all of a sudden to the organization that raised you from a pup, the one that you've always had pleasant business dealings with?

"Bernie's been one of the big guys on this team," Rivera said. "[But] you have to understand this is just business. I would love to have Bernie back. But who am I to say that I want Bernie back? I wish he were here, but you have to move on."

Yes, it sure sounds as if you've moved on. Any other areas of disagreement before we start ragging on you?

Andy Pettitte, who left the Yankees after the 2003 season, will be back in pinstripes this year. 'He should have never left," Rivera said, "but that's in the past.'"

Sweet. I'm sure that's just what Brian Cashman's looking for at this moment, for his cranky franchise closer to break out a bizarre laundry list of gripes right before A-Rod, Jetes, Giambino, Wrasslin' Johnny Damon and Carl Pavano show up in Tampa. Mo, your timing leaves something to the imagination.

Also, when you finally decide to open up and show your true colors as a dyed-in-the-wool Yankee asshole, this is who you choose to make a stand over? Bible Belt Andy and The Guitarist? Curiouser and curiouser.

There's no way I'm going to believe you're friendly enough with Pettitte to make this worth your while, Mo. The guy is a freak show, a Clemens-class hick with delusions of messianic grandeur and a proclivity for secretly masturbating to tapes of "Little House on the Prairie." He's a crappy, me-first weirdo laying it on thick as a family man. As far as I can tell, the only thing you two have in common is you both get injured every June.

Moreover, Pettitte leaving the first time around had as much to do with him wanting to go "home" to Houston as it did with anything the Yankees did. This may not have been to your liking, but putting it all on the New York front office is just wrong. It probably sucked sharing a locker room with the Big Unit and Kevin Brown while Andy was gone (check that ... it definitely did), but Pettitte'll be showing up in a hot minute – why not hash it out with the man himself instead of lashing out through the press?

And Bernie? Oh, wow, talk about a slap in the face of all of your other teammates. The fact is that keeping a non-hitting, non-speedy, non-throwing, old-man-defense-playing OF/DH on the team makes the Yanks that much less likely to get back to the World Series, not to mention win it. Bernie has murdered the team off the bench and in the field for two years running, even counting the two-week hot streaks he tends to luck into. The man is D-U-N done, and we all know it.

You've already got your rings and your legend, so you don't care about anything but keeping the championship core buddies together, I guess. Technically, that's your prerogative. But you might have heard that the rest of the Yankees are sort of interested in picking up a championship too, right? Yes? It's come up once or twice. In fact, taking home a title would make most of their lives QUITE a bit easier in any number of ways. (Cue plaintive reaction shot from A-Rod in 3, 2 .... hit it!)

Yet rather than back them up on a key personnel move, and support a young guy like Melky Cabrera who clearly deserves as much playing time as he can get, you're out there stumping for a useless spare part who's already shown an ability to bitch about undeserved PT issues and drag down the locker room. For a guy who spends most of his time sitting on a rocking chair and softly talking to himself while he picks out an atonal etude, Bernie sure can sow some nastiness. Why cry about all that?

It's selfish, it's counterproductive, and it's not even Spring Training yet. If this was a shot across the bow of the front office about bringing Bernie in, it's not going to work – Cashman couldn't have been more clear during the off-season about his intention to integrate younger players into the team, and this little hissy fit isn't going to reverse months of dedicated policy.

And while it almost boggles the imagination that this stunt could have actually been about your contract, I wouldn't put it past you at this point. It's just so strange – all your other extensions were signed down in Tampa during Marches of years gone by, and you don't even let long toss get going before you start heaving up threats and making like a hard-ass. That final paycheck must have to cover bills at the restaurant, or something.

It's just annoying, that's all. I anticipated a nice long calendar year of mocking Yankee dysfunction, tearing down their posturing and nonsense until the leaves start to change, but you know what? Bloggers need Spring Training too. I can't possibly be expected to be at 100 percent-slapping speed on Feb. 13, not by a long shot. Mo is treating Truck Day like it's a midseason series against the Tigers, and I haven't even been stretched out by the trainers yet, or had my Vitamin Water.

Where's the respect for tradition? Come on, now, Mo, you've escaped being tagged with the "Ugly Yankee" label for so long, riding on your reputation as a player and a great clubhouse guy, a true professional and all that. Don't you want to become hated in the right way, like a man should? Don't you want to do it like Ben Chapman or Dave Winfield or Danny Tartabull would have?

Don't cut corners on this, Mo. Save the childish pouting for another day, until the Yankees really can't afford it. I swear, it'll make everything far more clear, and it'll get you the reaction you're looking for. And maybe, just maybe, then you'll get the respect you so richly deserve.

- Cheddar Ben