Trees Grow in California, and Rose Bowls Never Bloom. Thanks Again.
(A piece from Sip will follow later this afternoon.)
Dear Insufferable Tree-Hugging Dipshits:
Hello. If you read this blog, you know me as the Y2K-U college correspondent. (Of course, I know that you don’t read this blog, because we don’t care for insufferable tree-hugging dipshits around these parts).
But before I was making the world a marginally better place for Sip and the Glass here at Y2K, I penned a column in one of the local rags. So I kinda know what it’s like to have a good portion of the town being irritated by you. To paraphrase Randy Jackson, I feel ya, dawgs.
But then again, I most assuredly do not feel ya, dawgs. Because you, and your kind, are personally responsible for derailing a $125 million project that would have made it a better world for all Cal students, as well as those of us alumni who don’t think it’s a mortal sin to have a reputable football team as well as happy students representing the alma mater. And for what? California oak trees. Yes, three dozen fucking trees.
And never mind that the school had promised to plant 100 of your beloved trees if the project had gone forward. Nor that the school will lose $8 to $10 million in construction costs when you lose your frivolous suit at trial. Nor that they’ve used yet more money to drill on the land to assure that it is seismically fit to withstand your other bullshit excuse for the lawsuit, that of the “it’s near a fault line and we’re scared, wah!”).
And certainly don’t worry that all this money will come directly out of the students’ pockets, and that no matter how much you dislike the University of California, your piece-of-crap town would turn into North GD Oakland if UC were ever to take its flagship school elsewhere.
Oh, and screw you, Zachary RunningWolf, who is quoted as saying how emotional it is to get this huge victory, but that he won’t come down from his beloved tree just yet. I don’t know Mr. RunningWolf, but my hunch is that he is a bit of an attention whore. Perhaps he could put his ample spare time into corresponding with a beautiful woman after his own heart in her current insatiable desire for the spotlight. That way, he could perhaps attend the Super Bowl instead of LIVING IN A &(*#&^ TREE!
Because I’ve been asked to wrap this up, I don’t have time to give my full thoughts on Berkeley mayor Tom “Whaddya mean it isn’t 1964 anymore???” Bates or Judge Barbara “I really want to be re-elected by the tree wackos, so you’ll have to excuse my ignorance of the law” Miller.
But I would be remiss not to give my final 18-inch, spiked anal probe of a “Fuck you” to Stephen Volker, who is representing the crucial interests of the California Oak Foundation. After all, as Mr. Volker so eloquently put it, the loss of 36 oak trees would be “irreparable and forever.”
You know what would be better than those trees forever, Mr. Volker? If the long-suffering Bears fans – and yours truly, by no means long-suffering but a possible donor nonetheless – could go to freaking Rose Bowl in our lifetimes!
But instead, we have you and your irreparable loss of oak trees. So for not only giving Californians a bad name, but our noble profession a yet worse one, I wish you a lifetime of irreparable loss of clients and joie de vivre.
One last note to the dipshits – please, follow my advice and e-mail the Super Bowl date girl above. That way, for once in your pathetic existences, maybe you’ll have a chance to actually get laid instead of just fucking over the rest of us.
Warm regards,
Cousin Dan
Dear Insufferable Tree-Hugging Dipshits:
Hello. If you read this blog, you know me as the Y2K-U college correspondent. (Of course, I know that you don’t read this blog, because we don’t care for insufferable tree-hugging dipshits around these parts).
But before I was making the world a marginally better place for Sip and the Glass here at Y2K, I penned a column in one of the local rags. So I kinda know what it’s like to have a good portion of the town being irritated by you. To paraphrase Randy Jackson, I feel ya, dawgs.
But then again, I most assuredly do not feel ya, dawgs. Because you, and your kind, are personally responsible for derailing a $125 million project that would have made it a better world for all Cal students, as well as those of us alumni who don’t think it’s a mortal sin to have a reputable football team as well as happy students representing the alma mater. And for what? California oak trees. Yes, three dozen fucking trees.
And never mind that the school had promised to plant 100 of your beloved trees if the project had gone forward. Nor that the school will lose $8 to $10 million in construction costs when you lose your frivolous suit at trial. Nor that they’ve used yet more money to drill on the land to assure that it is seismically fit to withstand your other bullshit excuse for the lawsuit, that of the “it’s near a fault line and we’re scared, wah!”).
And certainly don’t worry that all this money will come directly out of the students’ pockets, and that no matter how much you dislike the University of California, your piece-of-crap town would turn into North GD Oakland if UC were ever to take its flagship school elsewhere.
Oh, and screw you, Zachary RunningWolf, who is quoted as saying how emotional it is to get this huge victory, but that he won’t come down from his beloved tree just yet. I don’t know Mr. RunningWolf, but my hunch is that he is a bit of an attention whore. Perhaps he could put his ample spare time into corresponding with a beautiful woman after his own heart in her current insatiable desire for the spotlight. That way, he could perhaps attend the Super Bowl instead of LIVING IN A &(*#&^ TREE!
Because I’ve been asked to wrap this up, I don’t have time to give my full thoughts on Berkeley mayor Tom “Whaddya mean it isn’t 1964 anymore???” Bates or Judge Barbara “I really want to be re-elected by the tree wackos, so you’ll have to excuse my ignorance of the law” Miller.
But I would be remiss not to give my final 18-inch, spiked anal probe of a “Fuck you” to Stephen Volker, who is representing the crucial interests of the California Oak Foundation. After all, as Mr. Volker so eloquently put it, the loss of 36 oak trees would be “irreparable and forever.”
You know what would be better than those trees forever, Mr. Volker? If the long-suffering Bears fans – and yours truly, by no means long-suffering but a possible donor nonetheless – could go to freaking Rose Bowl in our lifetimes!
But instead, we have you and your irreparable loss of oak trees. So for not only giving Californians a bad name, but our noble profession a yet worse one, I wish you a lifetime of irreparable loss of clients and joie de vivre.
One last note to the dipshits – please, follow my advice and e-mail the Super Bowl date girl above. That way, for once in your pathetic existences, maybe you’ll have a chance to actually get laid instead of just fucking over the rest of us.
Warm regards,
Cousin Dan
posted by A Friend of Mr. Glass' at 10:54 AM
2 Comments:
I think this column is only further validated by the fact that your father told me your uncle Jeff lived in a tree in Hawaii for at least a year.
You have tree hugging in your genes .. but still see the greater good.
So ... you're not in favor of the ruling?
Post a Comment
<< Home