Why Poker is Definitely Not a Sport

These last couple of nights have been high stress mode for the Sip. On Sunday, the Giants lost and my fantasy team let me down like none other (Read: Marc Bulger, Bears D, Tatum Bell) in some favorable matchups.

Last night I had Carson Palmer playing against the Colts.

You see where I am going. Sunday and Monday were long, sleepless nights. I found myself, like many other nights, watching replays of the World Series of Poker.

Poker to me may be the biggest paradox in my life.

I love to play poker. I love the gambling and the strategy.

I actually love to watch poker. I think it makes for pretty good television. It is something that I can relate to and can judge and potentially learn from.

But I actually HATE poker.

I hate poker because poker has replaced Star Wars, magic cards, dungeons and dragons and science as the thing that all nerds do. I find the type of people that congregate at casinos and appear on ESPN to be despicably corny. But still I want to beat them.

Poker players call poker a sport. I think that is about the dumbest thing in the world. It is a sport to them because they couldn't play baseball or football.

Here are a few reasons why Poker is not a sport.

1. "I'm playing well, right?"

The famous words of this year's WSOP champion, Jamie Gold, at the final table (The Final 9 players of over 8,000).

Here was a guy that was steamrolling through the largest poker tournament ever, and yet he was so insecure of himself and his abilities that he had to ask his mentor, poker legend Johnny Chan, if he was playing well.

Imagine Dwyane Wade going for 50 in the finals, and then asking Pat Riley if he is playing well, and being truly curious.

2. The co-ed factor.

Name a sport where men and women compete against each other. The only one that comes to mind is mixed doubles in tennis, and tennnis players view that as more of an exhibition.

First, let me say that I support women's atheltics. I am in many ways pro Title IX and think it is great when women take interest in sports.

So I don't mean this in any kind of pejorative way, but sports, by their nature, are dominated by men. As far as I can tell there's nothing that can change the fact that men are physically more powerful, which makes them better athletes.

I'm not trying to offend anyone by saying that, nor do I think I'm saying anything particularly controversial -- it just seems kind of plain. It's the reason why the fastest/strongest men are faster than the fastest/strongest women -- it's just the way it is. Sports favor big, dumb jocks (see point 5 below), and the fact is that males can be bigger and dumber than females.

The result is that Lisa Leslie couldn't play in the NBA. Jenny Finch couldn't pitch in the major leagues. Michelle Wie has come up short in her attempts on the PGA tour. And other than Kathy Ireland in Neccesary Roughness, I haven't seen many women in football.

But Annie Duke can compete with men. That's not a problem by any means, but it should be considered when examining the whole "is poker a sport?" debate. To varying degrees, all sports place physical demands upon the participants. This is not true of poker.

3. The money factor.

The only thing it takes to be a pro poker player is money. If I had a ton of it, I could go to Vegas right now, play all day, every day and consider myself a pro.

It'd be like if Brandon Davis, that greasy loser who appears on Page 6 all the time and gave Lindsay Lohan her infamous nickname, Firecrotch, while stumbling around like a drunken mess, could use his oil inheritance money to join the Mets.

4. Phil Helmuth.

Anything that Phil Helmuth is supposed to be the best at in the world is not a sport.

5. The cool factor.

Think back to high school. Think of the jocks. You have the big meatheads, the tall kids, the really strong kids and occastionally the really fast kids. They made up your basketball, football, baseball and even track teams.

They were referred to as jocks because they were the kids that played sports. No one referred to the kid in the library reading books on Game Theory as a jock.

5A. The math factor.

A continuation of #5. Poker requires a ton of math to excel. Sports and math don't mix.

Do you think George Gervin used math to hit bank shot after bank shot? No, he just shot.

And do you think Phil Mickelson uses math to measure his golf swing? Maybe some simple counting, as in, that drive went 335 yards, but beyond that?

Poker requires math. Sports and math. Jocks hate math. Who doesn't hate math? Well, I kind of liked math as a kid and that makes sense.

I write about sports! I am not a professional.

6. No press conferences.

If poker was a sport, it would have press conferences.

Press conferences make sports great. They are the after-dinner cocktail that relaxes you and make you smile after a hard fought battle.

Every sport has a press conference but not poker. When you watch a press conference like this, you understand why that's a big deal.

7. Who doesn't belong on this list?

Albert Pujols, Peyton Manning, LeBron James, Mike Matusow.

Good answer.

8. When you lose, you really win.

Poker is a game where making the best play is often not rewarded and is instead punished.

A guy has two aces, goes all in and loses to a guy with two 10s.

The guy with the two aces did everything right. He made the right play and executed it to perfection. Yet luck allows him to lose, time after time after time.

I was thinking of baseball where a pitcher makes a perfect pitch only to see a hitter throw a shitty swing on the ball which pushes the ball for a bloop base hit. But this is not analagous.

The hitter still made a great counter play.

Poker is a game where playing perfectly often results in losing due to factors outside of the control of the participant.

If Kobe Bryant hits every shot in a game his team will win.

If Tiger Woods strokes the ball perfectly with every swing he will win.

If Steve Trachsel pitches perfectly for 9 innings of 4 hour baseball, he will win.

But in poker, all we ever see is guys who play perfectly losing. Because luck has way too much influence over the game. And luck cannot be a factor as big as skill in any sport. But it comes close in poker.

9. The Sip factor.

I'm not beter than any player in the NBA. (Note: I did not say any coach in the NBA.)

Nor am I better than any baseball player or football player.

But I have strong suspicion that I am as good at poker as some "pros." And let me be the first to admit, my friends, in contrast to speculation out of the West Side Little League back in the late 80's, I am not good enough to be a pro athlete.

10. The game factor.

Isn't poker a game?

When I was a kid I would go out during the day and play sports with my friends. Then I would go home, eat dinner and then play a game with my brother or my dad.

These games included monopoly, Yahtzee, NHL 94 and Madden.

These are all games. They are all competitive, require strategy and skill and all of my friends wanted to be the best.

Each night was great. Oh, I didn't mention that among those games, my family sometimes played poker as well.

Poker is so much closer to Yahtzee and video games then it is to basketball and baseball. These are a thinking man's games not sports.

Which brings me to my final answer.

10A. The sitting factor.

There isn't a single "sport" where you can not only sit down the entire time, but also even fall asleep while participating.

I bring in the sleep factor to defend NASCAR, where drivers require the world's finest reflexes to compete. (I can't believe I am defending race-car driving.)

But in poker you sit. You sit the entire time. You don't use a muscle in your body other than your arm to pick up your occasional beer.

This isn't a sport. This is a leisurely activity.

Just because there is competition does not make it a sport. Me and my buddy Nick the Voice used to compete in intense games of battle shits back in my days as a paralegal.

Does this mean that I can make the argument that going #2 is a sport? Because if I can, then bring it on.

I am officially declaring myself a professional today.

Vaya con Dios,

Sip

(Photos courtesy of msnbc.com, kickasspoker.com, boston.com, www.barzelay.com)