The Softest Dudes in New York Baseball

(Note: The latest in our weekly column on the Knicks appears immediately below.)

Before we get going this morning I’d like to address a comment made about the article last week. Essentially, the reader complained that my list of shit-talkers only included players from the last ten years and could therefore not be labeled an all-time list. This is a fair-point and I apologize for mislabeling the list. I’m only 23.

However, whatever twirp anonymously decided to rudely sound off about my Rickey blurb needs to check himself. Be careful before you get sarcastic with Steamin’ Mikey Lehman.

I love the rest of you.

Now, the only way to appropriately follow up the biggest shit-talkers in recent Mets history would be to make a list of the softest dudes in New York baseball. Enjoy:

Right Field: Paul O'Neill

Ultimate warrior? More like the ultimate crybaby. Can anybody remember one time a strike was called on this guy and he didn’t carry on like a spoiled 9-year-old for 15 minutes aftewards?

I don’t know about you, but when I see that pathetic, quivering lip, constipated, why-me face, it doesn’t really conjure up images of the classic American tough-guy.

And if I hear one more Yankee fan use the words Paul O’Neill and Hall of Fame in the same sentence I might make that same face. What hall are we talking about here, guys? The hall of mediocrity?

Center Field: Bernie Williams

Bernie Williams might be the softest dude I have ever seen in my entire life. He’s probably the the last guy I’d want sticking up for me in a baseball brawl. Not to mention he might be the least exciting athlete in professional sports.

Can anybody remember one time they didn’t find themselves nodding off and drooling on their T-shirt during a Bernie at-bat? Anybody? Anybody? Thought so.

Left Field: David Justice

A cool name is about the only thing this herb had going for him. His cue ball head and choppy swing didn’t last long in New York. Even Yankee fans hated this guy.

First Base: Jason Giambi

It’s too bad Giambi made this list because only a few years back in Oakland he might have been one of the biggest bad asses in the game.

Then he went corporate, signed the fat contract with the Yankees, shaved the goatee, combed the hair, got busted for steroids, and has pretty much become the most pitiful guy in the game. Maybe he could’ve gotten rid of the greasy male stripper look while he was at it.

Giambi probably still asks George Steinbrenner if he’s allowed to use the bathroom every time he takes a dump in the clubhouse.

Second Base: Chuck Knoblauch

Wait, can somebody remind me what happened here? After ten years in the big leagues (and a lifetime of playing the game before that) the guy forgets how to throw a baseball? You can’t be serious.

One day Knoblauch woke up, literally started throwing like my 86-year-old grandmother, and spent the rest of the season moping around the diamond hanging his head. The Yankees then start encouraging fans to get behind the guy, support him, and help him get through this difficult time.

So let me get this straight. Some second baseman making $8 million can’t throw the ball 50 feet and I’m supposed to feel bad for him? How about people with real problems? Dude should not be allowed near a baseball stadium for the rest of his life.

Shortstop: Derek Jeter

Be sure to pick up DJ’s new cologne, Driven, in stores now.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez

Not until Alex Rodriguez brought his metrosexual act to the Bronx did New Yorkers really learn the meaning of soft.

A-Rod’s insecurities and shortcomings have been so eagerly dissected over the past three seasons that I feel bad even going after the guy. It must be because he’s so good-looking.

Catcher: Jorge Posada (apologies Jimmy Leyritz)

Has anybody noticed that when Jorge gets a hit the scoreboard at Yankee Stadium reads “Hip Hip Jorge!” How has this not been the butt-end of a thousand jokes since the guy was called up in 1996? Also, while we’re at it, go check out his picture under the ESPN.com players section. God that’s hilarious.

SP: Carl Pavano

There are a lot of Yankee pitchers I have hated over the years and, to be honest, I don’t really give a shit about Pavano. But I had to stick to the theme of this list and this guy is soft. Really soft. If we’re talking physically, Pavano might be as brittle than anybody in history. Although maybe we should idolize him - $40 mil to do nothing. He scored himself a pretty sweet deal.

RP: Mariano Rivera

His numbers are obviously very strong, but I still don’t understand how this guy has been so successful with only one pitch. Nonetheless, he's skinny and sickly looking, and I’d bet my sister that A.F.O.M.G could break Mariano in half.

Enjoy the weekend, everybody.

- Steamin' Mikey Lehman

(Note: The images above appear courtesy of mlb.com)