Section 423: Christmas Gifts for the Knicks

(Note: A.F.O.M.G. will be in with a post later this afternoon.)

When I was traded to the Toronto Raptors, a strange twist of David Stern scheduling fate brought me back to The World's Most Depressing Arena only ten days later where I faced my former squad of blunt smoking brethren.

I showered the locker room with gifts of fine cigars, champagne, and fruit and cheese platters. It was the least I could do to show my appreciation for a wonderful ride with the Orange and Blue.

This year, I come bearing presents and stocking stuffers for the New Knicks, and I have included gift receipts. Each player received something that is a reflection of their performance this holiday season. Let's get it crackin'...

-Steve Francis: I got the best dressed Knick on the bench, Stevie "I've never won a playoff series and don't average 8 points a game but they still call me Franchise" Francis, a brand new Playstation 3 for all the down time he now has as a premanent fixture on the DL.

What's hurting him? His ego? The folks at Sony have hooked it up so he can play against Cat Mobley in LA as they curl up in their queen sized beds and dream of spooning one another as they talk trash and try their best to use the wireless controllers with only one hand.

-Stephon Marbury: Senor Gaucho and lead point guard for The Terror Squad has made every hood kid's dreams come true with his Starbury Stocking Stuffer Shoes, so as a token of their appreciation, I've helped the hood donate one blunt for every pair of kicks in the mix... these should last Steph until the All Star break.

-Jamal Crawford: The 'Seattle Somalian' gets a $100 gift certificate to Carl's Jr so he can finally gain some weight. Nothing like the Noah Lefuvre special to put on pounds. (Why does the 'Six Dollar Burger' at Carl's cost $2.99?)

-Quentin Richardson: A headband in every color of the rainbow, with matching elbow pads, socks, and wristbands. Also the Brandy Box set featuring new remixes of 'The Boy is Mine', and never before seen episodes of Moesha.

-Nate Robinson: Nate The Great gets two ringside seats to the next Bernard Hopkins vs. Antonio Tarver fight so he can study the punching techniques of the world's best. While I definately give props to the little man for the way he manhandled JR 'I'm ridiculously ill' Smith and tackled him into celebrity row, it would have been nice to have seen the little guy get off a clean shot.

-Jerome James: All expenses paid trip to Tahiti... one way ticket.

-Jared Jeffries: A year's supply of chin band aids that actually stick on his face for the whole game. The newest of the New Knicks also receives matching red and green, holiday-themed rubber bands for his braces... what a loser.

-David Lee: The hardest working Knick gets a free dinner at the new Hawaiin Tropics restaurant in Times Square. Hopefully after the 4th or 5th round of umbrella drinks and kaluah shots, hell be able to bat those baby blue eyes and pull some skank waitress tail.

After a night out on the town, hopefully the best white dunker in the league will be a little less stressed in the new year. Honestly, on a serious note, dude needs to stop arguing with the refs. He looks like a clown and he is starting to lose out on calls as a result of his reputation.

-Eddy Curry: Remember those workout info-mericals with Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley? Well whatever they were selling, big EC needs one of those. Yes he has played the best ball of his career. Yes he is finally a forced to be reckoned with in the middle. The first true center in the Garden since the big fella.

But seriously, I know people are talking All Star game for big E.C., but dude needs to shed some pounds in order to take it to the next level. Crawford gains, Curry loses, and the Knicks win.

-Channing Frye: This dude is a joke. After a solid freshman year, he has hit the sophomore slump in full stride. How about some blackness for Christmas? His gift is a tutorial in the art of being thugged out. First step is some tattoes, then some bigger shorts, and finally, dude needs one of Starbury's holiday blunts. He also needs to be banned from Dorian's and Marquee, and needs to start rolling to the Shark bar. The guy would get his shit run at the Rucker.

Renaldo Balkman: What to get the rookie rebounding sensation? While his numbers don't reflect his impact this year, he has already exceeded our wildest expectations. I get Ro Ro a copy of every dunk contest on DVD ever so he can study for this year's slam fest. Every game it seems the young fella throws one down that's worthy of a rewind.

I hope he stays sober in Vegas to compete alongside the defensing champ in this year's contest. Only 3 other Knicks have ever competed in a dunk contest, can you name them? (Gerald Wilkins in '86, Kenny 'Sky' Walker in '89, and John Starks in '92)

So who is left? My wallet is already taking a beating from all the gifts so far. Oh! Mardy "Thug Life" Collins gets a new pair of the Carmelo kicks. And of course, 'Zeek. I get the popcorn popping head coach cole, fruit cake, socks, and a $20 gift certificate to the Olive Garden. At least at that garden, he's family. In our Garden, he's just waiting around to be evicted.

Happy Holidays to the New Knicks, and the loyal Knicks fans of Knicks Nation. Seats are filling up fast on the bandwagon express, and slowly but surely, we are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. Here's to a happy and healthy 2007, and god bless Mo' Taylor not being on the squad.

- Chris Childs

(Images appear courtesy of nba.com, covers.com, orlandosentinel.com and knicksonline.com)