New Year's Resolutions for the Starting Nine

(Note: The latest in our weekly Section 423 column on the Knicks appears immediately below.)

Fun time of years, isn’t it? Every year me and the fam head out to Ohio where my grandmother and youngest uncle/aunt team live. The weather wasn’t very Christmas-y but oh well, maybe next year. I’m sure there’s no broader phenomenon going on here. I’m sure whatever the blame-America-firsters have to say about it isn’t true.

Anyway, yes, it’s a good time of year, even if there’s not much going on in the way of sports, not for a guy like me at least.

I was never a big football guy, so the Bowl games and the Giants/Jets do little for me (although I do love watching interviews with Broadway Chad, and I was pretty into the Giants last year, and the Jets in '99).

I like the Knicks, I watch them when they’re on and I’ve got nothing else to do, but I’m not masochistic enough to root for them with any real enthusiasm.

The Sabres? Sorry, Ched. I appreciate what you’re saying, and I’m envious for Buffalo right now, for that excitement, but hockey and me are like Sip and Christmas, it just wasn’t meant to be.

But ahh, the Mets are never far from my mind, and that brings me to the crux of today’s post. The end of the year brings with it parties, booze, and yes, resolutions for the year ahead.

It was true last year, when I offered my first round of new years resolutions for the Mets starters. Remember Victor Diaz?! Crazy stuff!!

With all of us primed to close the book on 2006, the time has come to offer a new round of resolutions. New Mets, new resolutions. Let's have at it.

1. Barry Zito, SP: Sign with Mets, prove you're an ace (if only in the NL), teach me to jam, leap LES chicks in a single bound.

OK, this one's kind of up in the air. There's a long way between here and Zito signing with the Mets, let alone pitching Opening Day.

But put that out of your mind; Zito signing with the Mets just makes too much sense for me to consider any alternative. The Giants could happen, but I don't know, if he's really aiming to sign with a winner, he'll come to the Mets.

And better yet, for him, he'll be coming to New York. Provided he wouldn't end up a complete bust, my god would this guy run shit in this town. Chicks want to be with him and men want to be him.

I mean, look at that guy. So dreamy!

Me, I never learned to throw a curveball (sad but true) and I just got an acoustic guitar that I don't have any clue how to play. Zito could take me under his wing, it'd be fun.

And he could take this entire staff under his wing, too. There are a lot of doubting Thomases out there arguing that he's not an ace. I understand where they're coming from, but I think if you put him in the NL he'd be a staff ace.

With Glavine and Petey still around he wouldn't be the spiritual leader of the staff, at least I wouldn't think. But he's young, talented, and he's personable -- it's just the kind of mix that could help the Pelfreys, Humbers, Maines and who-have-you's take the next step.

And he's just the kind of guy who could take the Mets to the next level. Come on Barry, what more do you really want in life?

2. Paul Lo Duca, C: Eliminate gambling debts, hook up with older (but not too much older) broads, hold on to the ball better, replicate 2006 season offensively.

Faced with the unenviable task of replacing a legend, Paulie Thumbs delivered in 2006, sliding into the 2-spot in our order perfectly and earning the nickname "Captain Red-Ass" for his ebubliency in the clubhouse.

But it wasn't all roses for Lo Duca this past year. If there was one on-field mark against Lo Duca last year it was his frustrating tendency to drop the ball on throws to the plate, so that's something he should work on.

The other thing Lo Duca should work on, of course, is his off-field behavior. The truth is, I love him for it. The teenage girlfriends, the gambling debts, the phillies he rears -- it's just too perfect.

But you know how the Wilpons are. The Mets are a family organization, and all that jazz. I want Lo Duca to keep his fast-living ways but ensure that the Wilpons don't run him out of town. Trading 19-year-olds co-eds for 22 year-old co-eds would be a start.

He could also square whatever gambling debts he has outstanding with whatever Frankie or Vinny he owes them to. The last thing we need to worry about is that our starting catcher is going to show up for a late September game with broken knee caps, so Paulie getting his finances in order is really in all of our best interests.

3. Carlos Delgado, 1B: A little more April/October, a little less everything in between.

That's not altogether fair. Carlos was solid in August, but all thing considered, Delgado was at his best in the first and last months of the season. It's possible that some of his woes were attributable to the tennis elbow injury that first cropped up in March, and if that's the case hopefully his offseason surgery will fix that problem.

Whatever though, the name of the game is consistency. and no matter how solid the final line looks for Delgado, anyone who watched the Mets in 2006 knows that Delgado was anything but consistent. He crushed the ball in April, then looked completely lost for nearly three months, in spite of one hot streak in June that boosted his overall numbers for that month.

I wouldn't have traded him for the world, or not for Mike Jacobs at least. Delgado was just what our lineup needed: an impact presence in the cleanup spot. Now I just want him to be that from start to finish, not just start and finish.

4. Jose Valentin, 2B: Flaxseed oil and more flaxseed oil.

As you guys probably know, I'm not sold on Valentin. He had a fine season in 2006, but I always felt like we were living on borrowed time. Now that we're paying him the big bucks the leash will be shorter, and the production will need to be... well, not what it was last April or October.

The anti-Delgado, Valentin sucked at the extremes. The solution? Flaxseed oil. Being reviled by everyone else in the country because you're a cheater wouldn't be as bad as getting the shit booed out of you at Shea Stadium. Just ask this guy.

5. David Wright, 3B: Remember the first half of 2006? Yeah, me too.

It was a funny year for David. In the first half he was maybe the MVP of the National League. In the second half he was still good, but he definitely wasn't great. The difference was power, and the reason, as we all know, was the home run derby.

So David: two things to concentrate on the in the year ahead. One, the first half of 2006? Now do that twice. Two, the home run derby? Yeah... let's not participate in that this year.

6. Jose Reyes, SS: From here to eternity: the best shortstop in New York.

Big debate in New York this past year: Derek Jeter or Jose Reyes, who's the best shortstop in New York? Me, I wouldn't trade Reyes for any other shortstop in baseball: not Jeter, not Tejada, not A-Rod, not nobody.

That said, it seems the consensus is that Jeter had the better year in 2006. I'm not entirely sure that's the case, but he might have, and that's where this resolution comes in.

Reyes took huge strides in 2006. He was one of the best players in baseball last year, and possibly the MVP of a Mets team that saw huge years from Carlos Beltran, David Wright and Carlos Delgado.

So what do you do for an encore? I'm looking for Reyes to produce a season that will tip this debate in his favor from here on out.

7. Moises Alou, LF: You were brought here for one reason, now it's time to execute.

Look, Moises, let's cut to the chase. You were brought here because we basically sucked against lefthanded pitchers. You've crushed lefthanded pitching in six different uniforms so far. Let's make it lucky number sleven. Seven.

8. Carlos Beltran, CF: Party like it's 2006; swing at curveballs over the middle.

What a difference a year makes. Go back and read what I wrote for Beltran in last year's resolutions, pretty amazing how down on him I was.

Or it wasn't really. I mean, Beltran sucked in 2005. But 2006, ahh, in 2006 Beltran was everything we hoped he would be when we signed him -- five tools and all.

The one knock against Beltran was, of course, that he had the unfortunate honor of making the final out of the NLCS. With the bases loaded. On a called third strike. Ugh.

It was bad. Don't ever fucking do it again, Beltran.

But yeah, other than that, we cool.

9. Shawn Green, RF: Improve, or, failing that, wear yarmulke under your hat.

Shawn, you gotta play to your strengths. Your one redeeming quality as a Met is that you're Jewish, much like the non-Latin half of our fanbase.

Here's what you do. You know how your hat falls off every time you chase after a ball hit your way? One way to get the fans back in your corner after you fail to make the catch would be by sporting a flashy orange and blue yarmulke.

Think of it as a little reminder for the fans, one that says, "Hey, I might suck, but I'm still one of your own -- you wouldn't boo one of your own would you?"

Without that, I just don't know what hope you have, Shawnie. I'm rooting for you -- in spite of everything, I still like you somehow -- but what we saw from you last year just isn't gonna cut it. Either come correct in 2007 or come straight orthodox, the choice is yours.

* * * * *

So there you have it, folks, new years resolutions for all 9 members of our assumed-Opening Day lineup. Only three months left to go. We can do this.

- A.F.O.M.G.

(Images appear courtesy of fanball.com, graphics.fansonly.com, static.flickr.com, drugstore.com and mlb.com)