A Message From Ambiorix Burgos' Father

(Note: A post by Sip will follow this afternoon. Also, mark it down: 12/12 is the official launch date for www.yankees2000.com.)

My sincere thanks to Senor Omar Minaya for giving my sweet boy Ambiorix a chance to play for his team in the great city of New York. You are a kind man, sir, and this will not be forgotten. Senor Dayton Moore, you are no longer welcome in the Burgos household. Be gone.

You may ask, as so many have before, why you should waste your time listening to a man who would name his first-born son Ambiorix. It is a fair point. I say only that Ambiorix was a legendary Gaulish chief now a hero to the Belgian people for standing up to Caesar, and it is a fine name for a leader.

And you might say that it's most likely the Belgians made all of that up when they founded their country in 1830 and needed new national heroes, and ask besides, what does any of that have to do with us poor folks in the Dominican Republic? I would reply that please, pendejo, leave us in peace. His name is Ambiorix, and that is enough.

My name is Yadier Burgos, and I live in the town of Nagua. It is a simple home, sirs, one of the shittiest places in all the country. I work here in obscurity for pitiful sums of money and no respect. Little is here that might not be improved by a few weeks spent drifting in the ocean tides.

Indeed, it is likely that a flood will one day wash away the entire village. I eagerly await that day. With any luck, we will take those rich bastards from Cabrera with us. But I digress.

The arm of my boy Ambiorix is the most beautiful thing our town has ever produced. Have you seen it? I knew not was joy was until I beheld it for the first time. It is exquisite.

Strong, like the hindquarters of a well-fed horse. Shaped as if from the finest cliff rock, and polished by the pounding of the waves. Strong bones, fed from all the calcium we poor townsfolk could scrape together, and a hell of a cute little elbow.

And the things it can do! Oh, they are remarkable, and it started so long ago. When Ambiorix was a child, and the other boys would taunt him about his cursed name, he would pick up small rocks and throw them with the ferociousness of his namesake. He was incorrigible!

We were too poor to afford a radar gun, but I can tell you on my honor that these rocks were zipping. Plus, they tended to explode the heads or organs of the other boys on contact, so there was that. He killed more than 50 boys before the magistrate ordered us to introduce him to beisbol.

But since then, he has slain not more than a handful of troublemakers, and besides, his playing on the diamond has been enough to make everyone forget about all such unpleasantness. He began in the Major Leagues when he was no more than 20 years old. How many of you yankees can say that?

When he was 21 years old, he pitched in 59 games for the Royals of Kansas City, and his ERA was only 3.98. This is very impressive, even if you are a puta such as Steve Phillips.

And last year? What of it? Yes, he may have blown 12 saves, and been on track to break that record before his coward of a manager removed him from the closer job. It was a mere pause in his great career. No more.

But the questions, so many questions. So many comments and remarks. You Americans have something negative to say about everything, even a young Domincan boy who can take the head off a magistrate with a coconut from 75 paces.

I do know not this Rob Neyer, but I am told he works for your evil network ESPN. This is not surprising. Senor Neyer had this to say about my boy last season.

"He's simply not a major league pitcher, and has absolutely no business pitching in close games ... I won't be shocked if Burgos is decent next season, and maybe a little better in 2007. But right now he's unspeakably awful, and the organization's unwillingless to face this glaring fact has cost the Royals something like five wins this season."

Not so unspeakable, though, eh, senor? I understand that Ambiorix had just blown his 11th save of the season and the third of the week, so your ire is understood. But nonetheless unwise.

Oh, Senor Rany Jazayerli, did you have something to add?

"The guy has two pitches, iffy control, and judging from all the homers he gave up this season, not a very good idea of what he's doing on the mound ... I still think his future is bright - he struck out a man an inning and actually had a slightly better walk rate (ignoring IBB) than as a rookie. But he's a mess right now."

Ought I to thank you for your optimism at the end there, senor? I think not. I encourage you to stay away from Mets spring training next spring, lest there be an unfortunate accident of some kind. Like Ambiorix killing you.

Anyone who talks about my boy should describe him as nothing less than a complete and dangerous strikeout machine. He throws 100 miles per hour. He has the heart of a lion. He will be a sensation in New York. He will bring glory and riches back to our family, hopefully before our town has slipped into the sea.

If you have questions about his control, I ask only this. Take off your hat and stand very still. We will soon see if your fears were justified or not.

Vaya con dios,

Yadier Burgos