Howe Low Can You Go?

(Note: A piece by Sip, 'Why We Hate the Yankees,' appears immediately below.)

Man, am I in a poor mood. Don't quite know why.

The elections were fine. Charlie Rangel in charge of the House Ways and Means committee? Hoo, boy. Harlem is going to be in the building.

It's not school, and it's not the weather, which seems to be holding off. Being from Buffalo, I'm used to using the second week of November as a time to salt down the streets and gas up the snowmobiles, so all this 50-degrees shit is just fine with me.

Sometimes, though, you're just in a funk. And one of the things that gets me out of these gloomy states is a hacktastic sports columnist trick called "Item-Take." You've all seen this before.

If patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, this nonsense tactic is the last refuge of a bored-ass old writer with no desire to formulate a meaningful story structure or interview anyone at all. With this, you can just repeat something you heard on the news, give your quick, inevitably lame take on it, and call it a day.

Hey, just like blogging! But with that old man smell, most of the time.

Anyway, with Matsuzaka in a holding pattern, a few days before the free-agent signing period can start and molecular biology taking up the healthy part of my brain, I'm out of gassed-up story ideas. Let the word go forth -- sometimes, a crap columnist has the right idea.

Sometimes, not. Moving on.

Item: Mets talk to former Angels 2B Adam Kennedy.

Cheddar: Weak. This is not a guy you want to be targeting in the early days of the off-season. He's clearly going to be moving on, what with Howie Kendrick taking his job, but the guy only hit .273/.334/.384 last year, with pretty poor defense. In 2005, when he hit .300, his slugging percentage was even lower (.370), which should tell you how much power this guy brings to the table (somewhere around Anderson Hernandez levels).

Even if you think Jose Valentin won't have the same season he had this year, which is entirely possible, he don't cost nothin' and he still has more pop in his bat. I'd rather give somebody like Jeff Keppinger (whom Omar traded for no good reason) a shot at the job than overpay this guy.

Incidentally, lot of second base news early on -- Josh Barfield traded to Cleveland, Biggio going back to Houston. Sure.

Item: Iwamura bids due

Cheddar: This guy has sort of flown under the wire thanks to Matsuzaka's higher profile, but bids on Japanese 3B Akinori Iwamura are due by 5 p.m. tomorrow. The guy is pretty good -- three straight .300/30 HR seasons, five consecutive Gold Gloves, hitting .389 in the WBC last spring.

Now, you can't rule out a KazMat situation coming into play here, and the guy shares Kaz' slight build (5-9, 175). But this is the thing -- MLB.com says these teams are looking at him: Padres, Indians, Red Sox, Phillies, Cubs.

I call bullshit on at least three of them -- the Sox have Lowell coming off a great year and can move Youkilis there regardless, the Indians have Andy Marte, the Cubs aren't going to make a pre-emptive bid before they know how the Ramirez situation is going to play out. The Padres, sure.

But if the Phillies put in a solid bid and win this guy, that's a huge coup for them. Recall that their 2006 production from third base ranged between awful (David Bell's Kennedyesque .278/.345/.398) and legendarily bad (Abe Nunez, busting his ass to wind up at .211/.303/.293).

Iwamura would give Philly a boost, and we don't want that.

Item: Athletics move to Fremont, Calif.

Cheddar: Fremont is not a city. It's a Silicon Valley strip mall town in between San Jose and Oakland. It has no downtown. Cisco Systems is allegedly going to build the team a "high-tech" stadium, but what exactly does that mean? Holograms? Robot ushers? Are we talking about the arena from the Jetsons here?

Nobody serious thinks a stadium has any real economic impact on its host community (for the money spent, anyhoo), but by the same token, centering a baseball stadium in an urban area has clear benefits for that neighborhood, at least. The A's' owners are counting on people coming out to a parking lot in the middle of suburban hell without a five-story building in the zip code.

Item: Arizona Diamondbacks unveil new uniforms.

Cheddar: Not bad, not bad. Of course, I liked them more the first time ... when they were called the Nationals' uniforms.


Item: Spears-Federline split rocks stunned nation

Cheddar: This is a real blow. The best part, if you can settle on one, is how far this guy's standard of living is going to plunge. He's already begging photographers to buy him shoes, for god's sake. Who's next, Larry Brown?

There could be some real ugly stuff coming down soon. Y2K remains eager.

Item: Giants WR Amani Toomer out for year

Cheddar: Ouch. No more Toomer, Blaxico's still on the shelf, Chicken Tika Barber's got one foot out the door. Shockey had a great game last week, which means he's going to be out to lunch this coming Sunday. No Strahan. The Bears coming off an embarrasing loss.

How do you think this weekend is going to go for the Giants? Me too.

(Of course, like I should talk. Shudder.)

Item: Texas hires Art Howe as bench coach

Cheddar: This is clearly what's been holding back the Rangers all these years -- a crushing lack of Art Howe. Nice of new Texas manager Ron Washington to hire the guy who was his manager in Oakland, I suppose, getting Howe out of Philly.

Still, he's putting an awful lot of faith in ol' Art. Here was Wash at his introductory presser:

"Being a first-time manager, I may be here, and that's pretty darn good," Washington said then, holding his hands about a foot apart, then putting them on an even plane. "But I want to get up here. ... I know he can bring me from here up."

Sure, fella. Whatever you say. Just so you know, Washington's managerial record at this point consists of two seasons with the Columbia Bombers of the South Atlantic League (Mets' single-A affiliate, don't you know) back in '93 and '94, where he led the likes of Jeff Tam and Enrique Wilson to a losing record. Bam!

Alright, I've had it. See you soon.