The Future Mr. Spears

As big as sports are to our society they do not outman popular culture. Not every person in the country can name you Peyton Manning, but I’m pretty sure that everyone can name Britney Spears.

Which is why last week’s divorce of Brit and K-Fed may be the biggest news of all of 2006. The queen of pop ditching the showstopper K-Fed, making her yet again a free agent.

The failed marriage to K-Fed has analysts speculating Spears’ next match. We here Y2K, well, we do sports.

So today, the top 10 athletes with a shot at becoming the future Mr. Britney Spears.

10. Marques Colston
Colston has the surprise factor. Here’s a guy that came out of nowhere (aka Hofstra) to emerge as many the NFL’s brightest young superstar. His meek background may remind Brit of K-Fed, but she would also have to be impressed with his own personal rise to fame. Colston is a hot commodity these days. Fantasy owners with the chance to start him at TE are already reaping immediate benefits. Will Spears catch on to #12’s newfound hype?

9. Evgeni Malkin
I don’t watch hockey but this dude apparently scores a goal in every game. He seems quick to seize his opportunities, jumping straight to the top of the NHL in his first year, leading us to wonder -- has Evgeni seized this opportunity as well? Word out of Pittsburgh is that Malkin has been spotted making some shady phone calls and taping old Tiger Beat magazines to the walls of his locker. The Russian tabloids are already going nuts. Could Malkin score yet again with the teen pop princess? Either way Malkin should be getting his prayers. He only made this list cause I wanted to throw in a hockey player and apparently Adam Graves retired like 10 years ago.

8. Brody Croyle
Just a good old boy, Croyle dons the same Chiefs uniform as Y2K hero and former fantasy legend Marc Boerigter once did. Croyle possesses not only a rocket arm but a heck of a southern drawl, allowing him to play the southern card, maybe driving Brit to return to her southern roots. When asked about a possible relationship with Spears, Croyle responded: “Heck, I don’t know.” He then put the DVD of Friday Night Lights into his DVD player and requested silence.

7. Mike Dunleavy
Mike D has two things going for him. He plays for the most exciting team in all of pro sports, your Golden St. Warriors. And, just bought some shiny new digs in Los Angeles, the town where Spears resides. Unlike our first three contestants, Mike had his pay day and can afford those pricey bottles at Hyde in case Spears is looking for a hot night in Hollywood. He is also known for his "pop a shot" game in which he holds the all time leading score at a # of the Bay Area’s hottest night spots. [Ed's note: Not quite sure what Sip is going for here. It sounds interesting, though, so...]

6. Chris Henry
The bad boy factor. Chris Henry is a thug. He is scary, he gets arrested once a month on SportsCenter and yet he is still making plays. The guy scores a TD a week while unable to practice. If Spears thought K-Fed would shock the world, imagine seeing Brit in a #15 Bengals jersey. The Pitt native was picked up this morning trying to rob an Ohio jewelry store hoping to pick up a gift for his new love, Brit. He offered the officers the three blunts that he had rolled in his license plate-less Escalade, resulting in 3 more arrests. When Ocho Cinco came through for 15 and posted bail, Henry looked ready. If this guy can turn it back on come Sunday, then these legal distractions don’t need to hurt his courtship.

5. Zarko Cabarkapa
Our second warrior to make the list, Cabarkapa is a real wild card. He has the second biggest head in the NBA to Ha Seung Jin and he is also known for his suave eastern European charm and elegant fashion sense. The possible jealousy of fellow Warriors frontline mate Andres Biedrins, who is often spotted after the games looking for his good friend Zarko, may get in the way. But otherwise, could Spears resist his Serbian and Montenegrian charm?

4. Shawn Kemp
Straight out of retirement, Kemp, who has fathered half of our nation's population, would be a perfect fit for the baby-crazy Spears. Unlike his free throw %, Shawn Kemp shoots out successful sperm at an uncanny 97.2%, making him a perfect match for the already mother of 2.

3. John Daly
Daly joins the list as our second southern boy. Unlike Croyle, Daly is a little more rough around the edges. As we have seen Spears resort back to her trashier self, she may see Daly as her perfect compliment. A man who can pound a 30 rack, drive the ball 350 yds and then gamble away the childrens' college fund on a game of bingo.

2. Bronson Arroyo
Bronson has proven that he can pitch the baseball. And, he has survived this harsh world with a name like Bronson. But what gives this flame thrower a real shot is his very successful singing career. With his debut album, “Covering the Bases” tearing through the charts, Arroyo could serve as the Johnny Cash to Spears’ June Carter and form one heck of a singing duet.

1. Jose Reyes
Most Mets fans would peg David Wright as the possible winner here. But David is currently married to one thing, baseball, and is not yet ready to go steady with a girl for the first time. Reyes, on the other hand, would jump at the opportunity. As baseball’s newest IT guy and owner of a megawatt smile that has already won over the women of Puerto Rico, Reyes brings his Latin flavor to the table, which no woman could ever resist. Despite being married with children, Reyes remains poised for the task at hand. When I caught up with him earlier this week, Reyes had this to say about the Spears-Federline divorce:

“What can I say, I am happy to be here.”

We know you are Jose, now go make all of us Mets fans proud.

So there you have it. The 10 athletes with a shot. While Spears could turn to someone who wears a uniform for a living, there is heavy word out of Spears’ camp that she is instead interested in a man from a crazy little place known as the Blogosphere. With my gal Coop nudging Brit in my direction, a solid family and some sweet digs living in my parents house, could Spears really resist the Sip’s charm?

Lets just say that if you read about us on Page 6, it wouldn’t be shocking to anyone I know.

Vaya con dios.

Sip