Y2K AL Playoff Preview

Hard-fought throughout and contentious until the end, one round of playoffs come to an end. Damn you, Vancouver Whitecaps! Those Rhinos were my baby. You've left me with nothing!

Wait, that's not correct. You've left me with the Major League Baseball playoffs, which, Don Cheadle aside, are what it's all about. Basically, anything where Billy Beane's shit doesn't work is what I'm all about. Hence, my excitement.

For New York City baseball fans, it's shaping up as a postseason for the ages. Both local squads are favored to advance through their respective leagues for a highly-anticipated Subway Series, the better to completely alienate the rest of these United States. Which would be pretty sweet, provided that the Mets win. Otherwise, it would be an unmitigated disaster. We're playing with dynamite here, people. That's part of the attraction.

Y2K's got all your playofff needs covered. I'll take care of the AL scene today, with Young Sip and AFOMG coming through as the week progresses with a look at the NL and some season grades for our Metsies. In the meantime, let's to it.

Detroit Tigers
AL Wild Card
95-67 (.586)

Well, that was fucking pathetic. The Tigers needed one win over the final five days of the season to lock up the AL Central.

They lost five straight instead, getting swept by the Royals in their season-ending series. That included a craptastic 10-8 loss yesterday with nominal ace Kenny Rogers coming in to start the 11th inning and eventually blowing the game on a rally started by Angel Berroa, a.k.a. The Worst Player in Baseball. Momentum, baby!

Assuming that their collective psyches ever get out of the toilets, Detroit has a dangerous-looking team highlighted by a group of strong-to-very-strong starting pitchers (all four ERAs under 4.00).

Rook Justin Verlander was rested this week to make sure he's ready to go, Jeremy Bonderman struck out 200 dudes and redheaded terror Nate Robinson decided to learn how to pitch. Even the Gambler could show up for a couple of games and give the team a break, his career 8.85 playoff ERA notwithstanding.

The problem is that Detroit's lineup is collectively about as patient as Mark Foley at a high school lacrosse tournament. It's filled with undisciplined hackers like Y2K nemesis Pudge Rodriguez and Craig Monroe (28 HR, 36 BB), guys who wouldn't take a strike if it were coated with uncut coke.

That works fine during the regular season, when you're facing No. 4 and 5 starters, but you're also prone to having your offense (team .328 OBP) black out at any time. Mike Mussina is going to eat these guys alive.

They're still plenty scary, especially if Mags keeps his head out of his ass (3 HR in July and August combined) and doesn't reslump.

Wild Thing Zumaya's100 mph heaters look especially tough this time of year, and the expected bad karma associated with releasing bling-wearing slugger Dmitri Young during the middle of the season is mitigated by the fact that he, y'know, had some other problems going on as well. Not a team to be trifled with.

Minnesota Twins
AL Central Champions
96-66 (.593)

Yeah, the thing is that you have to trust that guys like ex-scrubs Michael Cuddyer, Nick Punto, Rondell White and Jason Bartlett are for real. Morneau has been a beast, and AL MVP Joe Mauer (Hi, my stats are better than Derek Jeter's in every way) is absolutely tops. His whole thing -- from St. Paul, drafted No. 1 overall, runs the town -- is great, and he's going to offer a whole lot of white-bread dominance over the next 10 years.

If you believe in Boof Bonser (and, really, I do), then their pitching looks amazing. The best pitcher in the game, plus a pen led by the insanely good Joe Nathan and two other guys with sub-1.00 WHIPs. Lord knows what we'd be saying if Liriano's arm wasn't all forklempt.

I like the matchup with Oakland, too -- a team that's not going to bang around anyone on the Twins' staff, a soft lefty to beat up on (hey, Barry), home-field advantage. Really, some good stuff.

But that lineup better get its production from Mauer, Morneau and Two-Is Torii, because I'm not sure the rest of these clowns are going to be able to get it done against a postseason staff.

The least power of all playoff teams, guys playing over their heads ... you have to think there's a couple 3-2 losses coming.

New York Yankees
AL East Champions
97-75 (.599)

Oh, holy hell.

CF Damon .286/.359/.484
SS Jeter .345/.418/.485
RF Abreu .330/.420/.510
3B Joke .290/.392/.523
DH Giambo .252/.411/.555
1B Iron Sheff .298/.355/.450
LF Matsui .306/.394/.500
C Posada .276/.373/.486
2B Cano .341/.364/.523

Do they serve fresh California spinach in the Yankee Stadium clubhouse? A little salad, maybe some sliced walnuts and grilled chicken, balsamic dressing? At this point, I'd take any type of bacterial infection, although something bloody would be a nice touch.

There's just nowhere to attack. Sheffield's probably better than those numbers, too, or will be after the first game of the series.

Traitor Johnny's a player, and Cano is doing a Rogers Hornsby impression in the nine slot, having gone hitless a grand total of four times over the last two months of the season. And he's the only one who doesn't like 10-pitch at-bats, meaning that basically no opposing pitcher's getting out of the sixth inning without getting extremely lucky.

All is not lost. First of all, each of the Bombers' likely foes has a nasty bullpen, so their patience may not have the reward it does during the regular season.

Second, A-Rod is probably tanking. Getting thrown underneath the wheels of a moving bus has provoked that reaction in the past, I do believe.

Third, Jeter sucks.

Fourth, Matsui dishonored his ancestors by getting hurt earlier in the year, and they take that shit seriously. Not ritual suicide seriously, but "statue falling on him in the clubhouse" seriously. Stay away from museums, Hideki.

Most importantly, the Bombers' pitching staff is extremely vulnerable. Even conceding that Mo is fully back (and four scoreless outings do point toward that conclusion), there's going to be at least two eggs laid among the group of Wang, Moose, Wright and Old Man Randy, assuming he goes.

Past that, you'll note that Scott Proctor threw 101.1 innings this year. And he's a lot better off than Ron Villone, a textbook sufferer of Joe Torre Syndrome (5.04 season ERA, thank you).

Kyle Farnsworth is more likely to throw a fastball at Brandon Inge's face than over the plate when it matters.

Who is going to come through? If it's not like three of the players named above, the Yanks are going to have to slug their way out of a deep pit. And Murderers' Row or not, that doesn't always work.

Oakland Athletics
AL West Champions
93-69 (.574)

Bobby Crosby, Jay Payton, Mark Kotsay, Mark Ellis and Marco Scutaro all basically suck at hitting. You know, most of the A's' team.

They say their defense is good enough to make up for this. And you know what? If you score only 760 runs and slug an AL-worst .410 as a team and still finish 24 games over .500, you're clearly doing something right.

With Chavez hurt and Nick Swisher completely unpredictable, Frank Thomas also turned in a Gipper season of epic proportions, limping (38 HR, 11 2B) across the plate 76 times and knocking in 110 runs more.

I have no patience for the people who thought he wasn't a Hall of Fame lock before this year, and his season has ensured they can all shut their faces about that for all time. Nobody does this without being a master of the game.

But let's be fair -- the Hurt got a ring last year, and he ain't gettin' another this year. Not when Zito has a 1.40 WHIP and a "I can't wait to be paid" look on his face.

Not when Rich Harden, whose stuff is phenomenal, has been eating said spinach for much of the past two seasons, and threw a whopping 43 innings in 2006. He makes Carl Pavano look like Cal Ripken. (Well, that's not true. Note that the Yankees entry made no mention of Mr. Money Pit, whose playoff action will top out at spending some of that$10 mil. on Grey Goose and tonics and crashing into sanitation trucks on the Cross-Bronx.)

I'm as big an Esteban Loaiza fan as they come. Huston Street is the rare tolerable Longhorn, and it's always worth keeping tabs on Milton Bradley, given that he's likely to break out the crazy juice at any moment.

Kiko Calero is a great name for a fashion designer, and Admiral Halsey threw some perfectly respectable innings after coming over from Arizona. The pen is solid. They're going to get stomped.

First Round
Tigers over Yankees (3-2)
Twins over A's (3-1)
Second Round
Tigers over Twins (4-2)