Top 10 Yankee-tastic Things About a Night in the House of Evil

Cousin Dan here, long time listener, first time caller. You may know my brother, Cousin Tonks, who brings it strong every time he drops by. I’ll just try to live up to his high standards.

Anyways, big law firm has big law firm seats at the House of Evil in the Bronx. So, since my better half had never seen the HOE and I was offered some decent freebies, I jumped on the 4 train.

First, an admission. While I hate the Yankees as much as anyone at the site, I don’t hate Yankee Stadium. I think of the history, and the voice of Bob Sheppard, and the $7.75 Bud Light in a bottle, and I’m not entirely unhappy there. Plus, I get to quietly pump my fist and say “Orvella!” without fear of reprisal.

All that said, a Yankee Stadium experience can’t be all wine and roses. Here, in no particular order, are the 10 most Yankee-tastic things about my long night in the Bronx Wednesday night.

[Note: Yankee-tastic is not a “positive” word. Think of it as the &%^(! for this family-friendly site.]

1) But I was just at the airport on Monday.

Really, the wand? The wand?! Seriously, c’mon.

2) Roll Call.

When it was Paulie and Brosius and Tino, that was one thing. But “Bub-Ba Cros-By?” And “A-ROD! A-ROD!”? I thought he wasn’t a true Yankee?

In any case, I think even the Yankee players are getting annoyed at this by this point.

3) Idiot Yankee Fans, Part I.

You know how when Cliff Floyd hits it really hard, but you know he got it a little off the end of the bat, and it’s gonna be a 370 foot out to right-center? Well, let’s just say the Yankee fans didn’t get the memo.

If Jeter or Posada so much as hits it to the outfield, they stand in unison as if it is the game winning blast. I might be pissed about how these folks block my view of Joey Gathright settling under the bloop, but I ultimately conclude that the whole thing is just rather laughable.

4) That dude sitting next to me eating a hamburger as if it were a pretzel, ya know, just ripping off pieces of meat and bun and stuffing them near his face.

5) Product Placement.

Sure, everything is sponsored these days, but do we really need “that walk is brought to you by Johnnie Walker”? Or — and I’m not making this up — Mariano Rivera’s entrance, complete with “Enter Sandman” and the Duane Reade logo?

6) Mr. Giambi will tell you when it’s a strike.

When did this guy become Barry Bonds or Ted Williams? I understand that his OBP is like seven thousand, but if he doesn’t swing at a two-strike pitch, it’s a ball. Sure, the D-Rays walked 14 guys this night, but it’s getting annoying that Giambi simply cannot be caught looking.

7) Idiot Yankee Fans, Part II.

I guess I understand that you gotta boo the umps when they dare not call a close pitch thrown by Chien Ming Wang a strike. I mean, Wang has earned that. But when the other team is walking FOURTEEN guys, you can give the ump a break when the 1-0 pitch is called outside.

8) The $100 broken seat.

Yup, they must have heard a Mets fan was coming. $100 face value. And it’s broke.

9) Idiot Yankee Fans, Part III.

After the dude next to me finished with his burger, he immediately reverted to being a typical Yankee fan, e.g., just running off at the mouth.

I think the best was when the Yankees got a strikeout, this dude would say, and I quote, “bye bye, Birdie!” I’m sure he was referencing the 60s musical, but I didn’t understand what that had to do with Duane Reade Mo.

10) Yeah, I left after 9 innings and missed a Devil Rays win over Duane Reade Mo.
It sure does suck to miss history.

New Mets!!

Cousin Dan