Tail of the Tape: What to Expect in a Mets-Nats Brawl

So we all know things are pretty tense between the Mets and the Nationals right now. True, there were no fireworks yesterday, but we knew coming in to the series that tonight’s game has the greatest powder keg potential.

The reason, of course, is that Pedro Martinez, he of the 3 hit batsmen against Washington last Thursday, will be back out there on the hill this evening.

In the run up to this series, there was a lot of machismo flexed, a lot of chests pumped, a lot of tough words spoken. If Pedro beans somebody, Cliff Floyd has said he considers it a foregone conclusion that there will be a fight. Jose Guillen said that "it's going to get real ugly" if Pedro beans him again.

So with that in mind, I thought we’d compare the two squads position by position so as to determine which side would have the edge should any fisticuffs break out. Using the numerical position system, we start with the man in the center of the controversy…

Pitcher: Pedro Martinez vs. Tony Armas

You know, it’s tempting to look at a guy like Pedro and assume that he’d be something of a pushover. He’s quite small and waifish when you get right down to it. But he’s also a bit crazy, isn’t he?

Now I’ve never been in a fight, but growing up I was surrounded by prep school gangsters. I was basically shook of all of them, owing largely to the fact that I could never understand what the hell they were always so bent out of shape about, but the ones who concerned me the most were the little ones.

It’s kind of like how the idea of a murderous, talking puppet is somehow scarier than a Freddy Kruger type. It’s like, it’s not something you should be scared of, but it’s gone completely insane so all bets are off.

It’s kind of that way with Pedro. I don’t know what the hell he’s capable of. All I know is, he’s 1-0 lifetime in fights after massacring Don Zimmer, and his success in his career suggests he’s as fierce a competitor as you’re ever going to find. Look for Petey to come up big.

Advantage: Mets.

Catcher: Paul Lo Duca vs. Brian Schneider

I know very little about Schneider, but I have no doubt but that Lo Duca would take this one down. When the trade for Lo Duca first transpired, all the reports talked about what a great clubhouse guy Lo Duca was, how great a teammate he was, how much of an emotional leader he had always been.

Part of being a leader means being the kind of guy you want with you in a foxhole, in a trench, or in Lo Duca’s case, a bench-clearing brawl. Look for the Duke to be one of the first guys in the fray, and the team’s most valuable pugilist if shit goes down.

Advantage: Mets.

First Base: Carlos Delgado vs. Nick Johnson

I’m tempted to rule against Johnson here based solely on his Yankee past, but I can’t give the Mets the edge here in good faith. Whether we agree with his opinions or not, Delgado’s disdain for U.S. military actions overseas is suggestive of a man who is more a lover than a fighter.

Indeed, Delgado may ultimately be more likely to join Julio Franco’s peace mission than he is to throw down. He also shat on the Mets for about 5 solid months last year so it's tough to say how jazzed he is about being here in the first place. Look for Delgado's heart to not be in this fight.

Besides, Johnson just looks like a meathead.

Advantage: Nationals.

Second Base: Anderson Hernandez vs. Jose Vidro

Now it’s easy to compare the physical stature on these two guys and say that this matchup belongs to Vidro, he’s got 30 pounds on Hernandez after all. But if we’ve learned anything about Hernandez this past week, it’s that he’s a spry son of a gun.

Picturing this matchup, I can’t help but recall Wesley’s battle with Andre the Giant in the 1987 classic, The Princess Bride. Vidro, who bears a passing resemblance to Jabba the Hut in his player photo, strikes me as a big, brawny type whom the speedy Hernandez would be able to foil with some fancy footwork and a little trickery.

My advice would be to get Video in a chokehold; it worked wonders for Wesley.

Look for Hernandez as a sleeper here.

Advantage: Mets.

Third Base: David Wright vs. Ryan Zimmerman

The word is Zimmerman is the Nationals’ answer to David Wright, but in any 9-d battles that should break out, look for Wright to come out on top.

He’s the son of a police officer (a captain I believe), so he’s got tough genes. Besides, Wright must know his face is a good part of his future, and he can’t afford to get his shit broke, he’s just got too much riding on it.

As if that weren’t enough, he’s got Cliff Floyd in his corner, so even if Wright falls into a hole, look for him to come out on top with an assist from big Cliff.

Advantage: Mets.

Shortstop: Jose Reyes vs. Royce Clayton

Everyone knows I love Jose Reyes. Me and him are pals. He can hit, he can field, he can light up a stadium with his smile.

But one thing I doubt he can do particularly well is throw down during a fight. As his injury history shows, Reyes is the kind of guy who could get knocked over by a stiff gust of wind.

After suffering 73 leg injuries in a 12-month span, the kids took to calling him Mr. Glass because he breaks like glass. As 50 once said, if you gotta a glass jaw, you should watch your mouf, cuz I’ll break your face.

Hopefully Reyes will keep 50’s advice in mind and sit things out should any rough stuff break out.

Advantage: Nationals.

Left Field: Cliff Floyd vs. Alfonso Soriano

Really, this is the only no-brainer in the bunch. Cornelius is a pretty down to earth, good-natured dude, but he comes from the streets, and you can’t take that away from him. He’s got size, street instincts, and undoubtedly the resolve to crack someone with a 40 oz. bottle as necessary.

There’s been some talk in the media lately that Cliff’s a bit soft, that he dislikes being beaned more than the average ballplayer. Bah. This guy’s a beast – look for him to work through Soriano quickly before moving on to help his closest teammate.

Advantage: Mets.

Center Field: Carlos Beltran vs. Brandon Watson

A tough one to judge, but I’m going to have to make a controversial call here and pick Watson over Beltran.

Let me explain. On the one hand you’ve got Beltran. Chances are he’s pretty pissed he signed with the Mets to begin with. Other than Delgado, it’s tough to say exactly who his friends are on this team. He gets booed mercilessly. All of it leaves you wondering exactly whether Beltran would have a horse in this race.

On the other hand there’s Watson. A fiery rookie who surprisingly made the team out of spring training, Watson has to prove he belongs. He’s started the season hitting .174 through his first 28 at-bats with a .208 OBP at the top of the lineup, so he’s not earning his keep at the dish.

Watson’s got a lot to prove, so look for him to throw down hard if things turn mean tonight.

Advantage: Nationals.

Right Field: Xavier Nady vs. Jose Guillen

I gotta say, I’m quite taken with the X-Man thus far. He’s started the season on a tear at the plate, he’s played entirely adequately in the field, and I’m pretty sure he could throw the blocks at resident SNY cougar Julie Donaldson if he wanted to.

So nothing against Xavier, but this one’s definitely gotta go to Guillen. It’s not Nady’s fault, even if he is of French descent, which has never helped anyone in a fight.

Simply put, Guillen is a crazy motherfucker with an axe to grind. Look for him to be the most valuable brawler on the Nationals’ side of the dais if things get ugly tonight.

Advantage: Nationals.

Overall Advantage: Mets

Look, I’d trade it all for 7 strong from Pedro and a win, but the good news, Mets fans, is that if the shit hits the fan, our boys should find themselves in good stead.

But one last request: if there are any retaliatory pitches thrown by Washington, please, please don’t throw them at Mr. Glass. He’s so fragile.

- A.F.O.M.G.