Johnny Damon Part III: Boy Do I Hate This Fuck
So Johnny Damon really is a Yankee. This means he will get to spend a nice concrete gray Christmas in New York. In honor of JD's homecoming to the City, we here at Y2k have a nice Christmas list in store for Johnny D. As per the convention of the season, we checked out list twice.
Without further ado: 12 things I hope for Johnny Damon on Christmas.
1. A Free haircut and shave at my barber, Franco.
Franco, a diehard Yankee fan, would welcome Mr. Damon with open arms. He would cut his silky hair off and trim and shave his Sip-like beard. Little would Johnny Damon know it, but during his haircut I would kidnap his children.
2. Movie Tickets to "Brokeback Mountain".
While this movie is supposed to be about two gay cowboys who fall in love, separate, and then reunite only to find it hard to reconnect in the open, doesn't it really almost mirror the relationship between Damon's newest teammates, Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter?
3. A trip to the Steamin' Mikey Lehman school for speech repair.
Learn to speak Johnny...Tu tu tu today, junior!!
4. Courtside tickets to the Knicks.
Why? Two reasons. First, so Mets fans at the game can boo the shit out of him. Second, so he can be forced to sit through a game of Knicks basketball. You may remember back to our predictions over here at Y2k which were greeted with anger and bitterness (see: http://yankees2000.blogspot.com/2005/11/yanks-why-knicks-will-never-be-good.html). Come on, guys. And looks like young Benny Lyons will be doing pushups and eating tacos by the All Star Break.
Note: I made a similar bet with Noah from Arizona on the A's winning more than 90 games in 2006. That one he has a shot in.
5. A coupon to play bridge with my mom and her friends.
My mom may not be the biggest sports fan, but she knows when something has gone wrong. Even she thinks you're a coward.
6. An apartment in Chelsea next to your good pal A-Rod.
After your appearance for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bostonians thought you were soft, but the good boys down in Chelsea still love you.
7. A copy of The Real World: Austin - The Reunion.
According to my good pal and humpday legend, and as a matter of fact the real Johnny D, you turned into a huge sellout last year. You and Danny should go hang out, talk about how cool you've become while deep down inside everyone hates you.
8. A limited edition DVD of "Strictly Ballroom".
One day when I was about 10 I was "sick" from school. My dad stayed home for some reason so my mom recommended that he take me to see that movie, which was playing at the Artsy Lincoln Center theater (Note to Old Chipper: You should have never taken me o that theater then, nor should you ever take me there ever again).
Anyway, yeah, "Strictly Ballroom". The title says it all.
9. A manicure at the Murray Hill nail salon.
Since we all know you are so pretty now, I'm sure you'd be into this shit. Plus, then you can meet your new biggest fans. No longer is it tight jeans and sneaker gals from Boston who are fun and likable. Instead, meet the world of dumpy Jewish girls named Lindsay all of whom are "amazing" and went to Indiana, GW or maybe Wisconsin, unless they were super smart and went to Michigan
10. A free cup of coffee from Bobby and Mikey's on 82nd and amsterdam.
See, everytime I walk into that deli, on average three times a day, I catch a "whats up my n----, SM" from the clerks, both of whom are Indian. We have a bond. They are family to me. Mikey watched the Mike Tyson fight at my house circa 1999 even getting a better seat than the Y2K Legend Tim "The Kid". See, little does Johnny D know, but my boys will take care of me and the interests of their loyal Upper West Side fan base, comprised only of Mets fans, by dropping some Indian love sauce into Johnny D's cup of coffee. Truth is, though, this guy is probably too dumb to even notice. Either that or he just won't mind to begin with.
11. A new pair of glasses.
He's going to need them after his first time up against Billy Wagner, because BW is going to drill him in his face. Billy is a good old boy (Go Dawgs!) and he understands when something needs to get done.
12. A therapist.
Because Johnny D, in all honesty, you just made the biggest mistake of your life. You went from being a god, a centerpiece of the best story to happen to baseball in maybe 50 years, to being an enemy. Boston hates you and the fact is, Yankee fans are too spoiled to appreciate you.
To them you're just another high-priced superstar. But you won't be pretty on this team. You wont be the best outfielder. You won't be the coolest white guy. You may not even be the best leadoff hitter. All you're going to be is another piece, another link in the chain. In Boston you were LOVED. Here, people just won't really care. Not to mention the fact that you'd have a much nicer house in Boston.
That's my wishlist for you, Johnny. Again, I hope you get seriously injured. If I see you anytime soon I'm going to punch you in the neck and then stab you in your ear. AFOMG has the glass bottle and I'm bringing my whole army with me. My goal is to make your life miserable in New York, because god knows you deserve it.
To everyone else, have a Merry Christmas. As for you Jews out there who still celebrate Hanukah, give it up. I'ts an excuse to make little Jewish kids not feel excluded, but when you hit the age of 15, it is just dumb.
Get "Point Break" at your local video store for 9.99 on DVD. It makes one hell of a stocking stuffer.
SM
Love ya LH
Without further ado: 12 things I hope for Johnny Damon on Christmas.
1. A Free haircut and shave at my barber, Franco.
Franco, a diehard Yankee fan, would welcome Mr. Damon with open arms. He would cut his silky hair off and trim and shave his Sip-like beard. Little would Johnny Damon know it, but during his haircut I would kidnap his children.
2. Movie Tickets to "Brokeback Mountain".
While this movie is supposed to be about two gay cowboys who fall in love, separate, and then reunite only to find it hard to reconnect in the open, doesn't it really almost mirror the relationship between Damon's newest teammates, Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter?
3. A trip to the Steamin' Mikey Lehman school for speech repair.
Learn to speak Johnny...Tu tu tu today, junior!!
4. Courtside tickets to the Knicks.
Why? Two reasons. First, so Mets fans at the game can boo the shit out of him. Second, so he can be forced to sit through a game of Knicks basketball. You may remember back to our predictions over here at Y2k which were greeted with anger and bitterness (see: http://yankees2000.blogspot.com/2005/11/yanks-why-knicks-will-never-be-good.html). Come on, guys. And looks like young Benny Lyons will be doing pushups and eating tacos by the All Star Break.
Note: I made a similar bet with Noah from Arizona on the A's winning more than 90 games in 2006. That one he has a shot in.
5. A coupon to play bridge with my mom and her friends.
My mom may not be the biggest sports fan, but she knows when something has gone wrong. Even she thinks you're a coward.
6. An apartment in Chelsea next to your good pal A-Rod.
After your appearance for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bostonians thought you were soft, but the good boys down in Chelsea still love you.
7. A copy of The Real World: Austin - The Reunion.
According to my good pal and humpday legend, and as a matter of fact the real Johnny D, you turned into a huge sellout last year. You and Danny should go hang out, talk about how cool you've become while deep down inside everyone hates you.
8. A limited edition DVD of "Strictly Ballroom".
One day when I was about 10 I was "sick" from school. My dad stayed home for some reason so my mom recommended that he take me to see that movie, which was playing at the Artsy Lincoln Center theater (Note to Old Chipper: You should have never taken me o that theater then, nor should you ever take me there ever again).
Anyway, yeah, "Strictly Ballroom". The title says it all.
9. A manicure at the Murray Hill nail salon.
Since we all know you are so pretty now, I'm sure you'd be into this shit. Plus, then you can meet your new biggest fans. No longer is it tight jeans and sneaker gals from Boston who are fun and likable. Instead, meet the world of dumpy Jewish girls named Lindsay all of whom are "amazing" and went to Indiana, GW or maybe Wisconsin, unless they were super smart and went to Michigan
10. A free cup of coffee from Bobby and Mikey's on 82nd and amsterdam.
See, everytime I walk into that deli, on average three times a day, I catch a "whats up my n----, SM" from the clerks, both of whom are Indian. We have a bond. They are family to me. Mikey watched the Mike Tyson fight at my house circa 1999 even getting a better seat than the Y2K Legend Tim "The Kid". See, little does Johnny D know, but my boys will take care of me and the interests of their loyal Upper West Side fan base, comprised only of Mets fans, by dropping some Indian love sauce into Johnny D's cup of coffee. Truth is, though, this guy is probably too dumb to even notice. Either that or he just won't mind to begin with.
11. A new pair of glasses.
He's going to need them after his first time up against Billy Wagner, because BW is going to drill him in his face. Billy is a good old boy (Go Dawgs!) and he understands when something needs to get done.
12. A therapist.
Because Johnny D, in all honesty, you just made the biggest mistake of your life. You went from being a god, a centerpiece of the best story to happen to baseball in maybe 50 years, to being an enemy. Boston hates you and the fact is, Yankee fans are too spoiled to appreciate you.
To them you're just another high-priced superstar. But you won't be pretty on this team. You wont be the best outfielder. You won't be the coolest white guy. You may not even be the best leadoff hitter. All you're going to be is another piece, another link in the chain. In Boston you were LOVED. Here, people just won't really care. Not to mention the fact that you'd have a much nicer house in Boston.
That's my wishlist for you, Johnny. Again, I hope you get seriously injured. If I see you anytime soon I'm going to punch you in the neck and then stab you in your ear. AFOMG has the glass bottle and I'm bringing my whole army with me. My goal is to make your life miserable in New York, because god knows you deserve it.
To everyone else, have a Merry Christmas. As for you Jews out there who still celebrate Hanukah, give it up. I'ts an excuse to make little Jewish kids not feel excluded, but when you hit the age of 15, it is just dumb.
Get "Point Break" at your local video store for 9.99 on DVD. It makes one hell of a stocking stuffer.
SM
Love ya LH
posted by Sippy Momo at 11:17 PM
2 Comments:
In regard to Johnny cutting his hair, he had two possible paths to take. Both paths desperatley pathetic, but the more respectable move would have been for Johnny to find a NY barber to take a #3 to his dome and just get it over with. Instead, he invites cameramen into a posh NYC salon, wearing a pink smock and leaving with highlights even more accentuated than his old days queer eye. As I browsed through the pictures and saw him standing there with his hot wife, smiling, but looking a little uncomfortable, only one thing came to mind: Rick Vaughn, Major League 2. So much of Wild Things selling out is mirrored in Johnny Damon's stupid face, check it out at bostondirtdogs.com...the sad thing for JD is that Ricky had the help of his back in the day gf, and studs like Rub to allow him to see the light. JD, though is surrounded only by fans that will eat it up, and infielders that want to eat his ass. Even if he does one day realize what he has done, which I truthgfully believe he will, the mistep is an unfixable one, and sadly, Johnny Damon will go down, especially in Boston as a chump, rather than the champ he once was.
That column warmed my catholic-college-attending, boston-loving, sneaker-wearing heart. It saved Christmas.
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