Holy Cow

So I'm not going to talk about Paul Lo Duca. I'm not going to talk about the Giants. I just got to tell you about yesterday. If your name is Sippy Momo Sr. or "Greatest Dad Ever" or "Corporate Lawyer Perfection" you might want to close the page... Otherwise we will have a nice chat at our final dinner tonight.

So we sat there at Blondies, my favorite sports bar/place from 1-10. From 1-4 we had me, "Randy Milligan", AFOMG, Cousin, Cousin Dan and Wife, Happy Will, Jimmy Thums and pal, and good guy Sean.

But from about 530-10 there was me, football and OBF Randy Milligan. You can't have a better friend than this guy. You just cant. All he does is... and pick winners. We're there drinking champagne with the owner, Jill, she's 50-something and makes a solid case for being the world's biggest cougar, and her boyfriend, Emilio, 45, the WORLD'S BIGGEST MEATHEAD.

This guy could have picked me up and squashed me on his forehead, but instead, he was the nicest guy in the world. See, word got out that I was going to Cali on Thursday so my favorite place in the world really rolled out the welcome mat.

So we were there, Me and OBF RM till about 1o when we thought, perfect time to go to Scores.

Hell, The Pats covered for both of us so we were a combined 6 units in the green for the day. why not drop it on strippers.

THE METS AQUIRED PAUL LO DUCA FOR TWO MINOR LEAGUERS.

So we go to scores on the West Side, we tell the cab driver..." SCORES PLEASE."

We walk in, there is the usual Sunday crowd. Oh man. I tell RM, I'll drop 100-200 max. I gotta save up as I am unemployed and about to embrace a new city.

So we go in, friends just being friends, both falling over our respective faces. We buy each other lap dances, talk fantasy football, baseball, what have you. After about an hour, it's now 11:15 and RM disappears.

I befriend a stripper, not sure what her name is but she may be the world's best looking girl. I'm basically the only guy who can walk into a strip club and hear from a stripper that I look "innocent" but hey, I guess I'll take it.

So her and I talk for a while at the bar. She actually got me free drinks, Let's just say I thought I found my future wife. We actually hang out for about a half hour at which time I say to her, "Sorry, this kills me but I gotta go look for my pal. I COMPLETEY DITCHED HIM."

I get up and start stumbling around the room. No sign of RM. I go back to my stripper pal, who I love, and ask her if she's seen my pal in the Gray hoody. She had not. So we talk for a little while longer. She invites me to a party on 128th st. I'm as confused by the location as I am with the invite and tell her, "Wouldn't miss it." We keep on talking.

We actually met because some dude, who I don't know bought us a bottle of champagne, I find out, and said we'd look happy together. Makes sense to me. So I am skeptical of the relationship.
But she spends another hour buying me drinks, NOT STRIPPING, and telling me about her Ohio upbringing.

What the hell is going on?

Where is RM?

It's now 12:30. I haven't seen RM in an hour and a half, maybe two hours. My new best friend eventually goes back to work and I am sitting at the stage, broke and admiring the moves.

THE METS LOOK LIKE A 92 WIN TEAM RIGHT NOW.

Finally, I stand up. I gotta find RM. I go to the bouncers and ask for my friend. They told me, as they had about 10 times (note: I'm still piecing the story together) that he is in the back. I think, now, 2 hours later that this is bullshit. That there is some conspiracy to get me to stay and spend money, which ended up being a 3 unit hit for me. SALT!!!

I get in the bouncer's face. Bad Move.

I demand to see some evidence of RM. I read the Post. I could only imagine the headline.

"Friend of SM killed at Scores West, SALT."

I was worried.

All the bouncer did was give me a drink, and tell me he was having a good time.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON????

They don't give free drinks at Strip Clubs.

So I check my phone, RM had sent me a text saying he was in the back. I had 5 missed phone calls from a phone # that I did not know. I assumed it was RM, callling from a different phone because his had been messed up.

I called. INSERT CHRIS BERMAN WHOOP HERE!!! It was RM's girlfriend!!!

"Hey, Chops, what's up?"

"Hey SM, do you know where RM is?"

"No , I've been looking for him myself. I'm at a bar with a bunch of high school friends and he just disappeared. If you hear from him let me know"

"Ok, bye SM. Have fun."

WHOOOP!!!! Holy christ that was awkward. I go back to the bouncer, and demand my friend. He puts me directly back in my place and I go back to the stage.

I sit there for a while longer when a bottle of champage is brought over to me... What the hell is going on?

Two glasses. My first thought, and prayer, was that my stripper pal and future wife had sent for it and I was about to have my, "How I canoodled with a stripper" story.

But she was at the other end of the club. I look back, see giant meathead bouncer and he says, this one is on us...SERIOUSLY, what the fuck is going on?

Then RM reappears wearing the kind of smile that definitely would have won the Shit Eating Grin of the Year award.

"SM. Wow," he says.

RM had three hours of shit that shouldn't go down at a strip club at the miniscual cost of $.../hr. Now this kid is a paralegal. He is broke and while granted his college footbal betting run has been somewhat unprecedented, I'm not sure where this kid's head was. But heck, this was the happiest I've ever seen him so who am I to judge?

We drank our champagne, got invited to more stripper party's and I felt like I was Tommy Lee.

Heck of a time.

DAVID WRIGHT LOOKS LIKE HE CAN GO FOR 35 AND 120 THIS YEAR!!!

The club is closing. I some how rationalize to my stripper pal that I can't go uptown but, unfortunately, it's not like she was dragging me out the door. My main concern was RM's mindset.

Post-dropping... at a strip club syndrome is a tough one to kick. But this kid was a star. He was happy as a young SM in front of an oreo ice cream sundae.

He insisted on drinking more while I was just puzzled as to how I lost my Giants t-shirt which was instead replaced by a blondies long sleeve... Heck of a shirt nonetheless.

There is not a single bar open. Note: we would have drank at Toilet Bar if it was open.

So me and RM finally part ways.

I get in the subway heading back to the Upper Best, it is now 3 a.m., and as Biggie would say, "My pockets feelin kind of tight."

I am happy drunken subway guy.

So I manage to befriend two Australian girls. I used my patented "Hey I'm unemployed, I blog and live with my parents" line, and we bond immediately.

I convince them to come with me to my favorite local bar, "The Pub" where I would drink as a young SM. They do, I manage to fall asleep on the bar. I'm woken up, the bar is closing.

I go home, write an angry message to my fantasy football website and pass out.

I wake up at 12:56. That is bad because I usually get my article to AFOMG for cleanup by 1:00.

It is now 1:46, the article has to be up in 14 minutes.

I'm off y'all. Dad, I really do love you. You are the best man I know. If you have gotten this far, well hey, at least your son has some "bad" in him.

Point Break was on A&E this past Saturday. I tivoed it despite owning it on VHS and DVD.

I'm going to watch the tivoed version right now.

Vaya con dios, and RM, heck of a run....

SM