A Day Later: 10 Potential Analogies to Johnnny the Sellout

And I'm still sick. AFOMG really said everything that needed to be said. For those who missed it, his article yesterday was pretty damn amazing (you can find it at the end of this post, or by clicking here: http://yankees2000.blogspot.com/2005/12/we-have-just-lost-cabin-pressure.html).

This may be the biggest sellout in the history of sports.

Today I will provide 10 analogies to Johnny Damon's move.

10. Mike Piazza demanding a trade to the Braves in 1999.

This was the heat of the Mets-Braves Rivalry. For basically the first time in my life as a Mets fan, there was a team that I truly hated. Chipper Jones, John Rocker, Leo Mazzone and 1,700 straight division titles stood in the way of the Mets reaching the top. "Have you seen Chipper's pecs?" Piazza asked effusively. "And, man, he's got those great big King Kong arms. Look, I liked that dude who wears the helmet everywhere as much as the next guy, but come on, these are the Braves. You know, with the division title every single year? I mean, the Braves! Hello?"

9. Me switching from Camp Cedar to Camp Wildwood because they offered me preference of bunks.

See, I was a bit of a legend back in the day. If you travelled around the woods of southern Maine, people were talking about a fiery 5'6 2 guard from New York that most knew as Buddha. A Victor Page clone, 8-for-23 nights were my M.O.; needless to say, opposing camps entered the Cedar gym shaking. Until that day when I went to Wildwood to join forces with Jan Milewicz, Adam Lubart and those hatable Wildwood jerks.

8. The cast of "Friends" giving up the coffee shop to go to the local Starbucks.

Sure, the coffee might be better, the scones tastier, and the brand more respected, but these friends were all about Central Perk. "We're just such good friends," Chandler said after the sudden and unforeseen move. "But the thing you need to understand is, there are 6 of us. That's just the way it is. Central Perk was great, but that Gunther guy just didn't get the 6-friends memo. At Starbucks there's no such confusion. It was the right move."

7. Peyton Manning voiding his contract to sign with the New England Patriots.

Said Manning, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Gosh, Golly the heck. 54's the Mike. It'd be an honor to back up Tom Brady. Check, check! On the ball! On the ball!"

6. Good Will Hunting giving up intelligence to be dumb.

This guy was smart. He was a bad ass smart dude and the inspiration for my fake Boston accent circa 1998. For some unknown reason Will decided being smart was uncool and he no longer wanted to destroy barney's who were "embarassing my friend, impress this girl."

5. My dad giving up Judaism to become a Christian.

Old Chipper ran my temple for years just because he's a good guy. I never thought he really cared about the whole thing, he just knew he was a smart guy who could help out people he cared about. Unfortunately, when the Church of Jesus Christ offered him a new bottle of scotch and a lifetime to Newsweek, he just couldn't turn dow.

4. Dave Delaney, U Penn's legendary Abercrombie laxdog renouncing lax and its culture to role with my brother and his economist crew.

No longer would he float to jambands and being chill, instead he felt that E. Momo and his crew could provide him with more stability and a better future. He no longer rolled with people wearing tattered hats, instead choosing to turn to Brooks Brother scarfs and latees.

3. AFOMG going to the one of the delis on 83rd or 81st and Amsterdam instead of going to Bobby and Mikey's.

See, Bobby and Mikey have been selling us forties since we were about 12 and have probably gotten more hugs from me in the last 10 years than any member of my family. Unfortunately, AFOMG found he could save 10 cents on his morning cup of coffee if he made the switch and realized he could save upwards of 30 dollars a year, which he would then use towards a trip to his new digs watching his beloved Yankees.

2. Patrick Ewing signing with the Bulls in 1998.

The Bulls had a vacancy, and it would have allowed The Warrior to fill the void left by his fellow former Knicks teammate and frontcourt mate, Bill Cartwright. Ewing wanted to win a championship and what better place to go than with Michael, Scottie and crew?

1. AC Slater accepting a football scholarship to go play at Valley.

Imagine if Slater had spurned the Tigers of Bayside in his senior season, packed his dimples and joined backfield monsters Dan and Stan Clegg over at Valley. No more Preppy, no more Mama, Slater was simply about winning. He realized after the episode where him and the other football players cheated when Kelly was the teacher that he needed to go to a more proven program. Coach Sonsky couldnt serve as both a wrestling and football coach so Slater left.

I hope these analogies suit you. Johnny Damon, if you read this, and I know you will, let me say this to you.

What you did was wrong. It stinks for you, for baseball, for the Red Sox, and for the Yankees. You look like an absolute moron on espn.com with your beard shaved and your hair cut. I will be there with AFOMG and many others to boo the shit out of you. I can't wait until your first return to Fenway. I hope you don't make it out alive.

I hope Jason Varitek starts a fight with you the first time you come to the plate. He resigned because he has loyalty and class. You are just a huge bitch. You can never go home again, Johnny, was it worth it?

And to think that I bought a Royals hat back in 1998 because I was a big Johnny D guy. You suck. You're worse than the record executive from Airheads.

I hope you tear your ACL on a rusty needle in your new apartment in the Meat Packing District or on 5th avenue. If I ever seen you in New York I'm going to fight you, and AFOMG is going to crack you with a forty ounce bottle he bought from Bobby and Mikey because that's the classy, loyal way to do it.

Word is bond,

SM

L Boogs. We love you man and are going to miss you.